


Paralyzed

by RandomLifeUnit



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abduction, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Art, Blood, Bruises, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gen, Healing, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, NSFW chapter, Panic, Panic Attacks, Personal Growth, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Stitches, Therapy, Threats of Violence, Violence, Vomiting, Whumptober
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 16:57:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 33,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21140087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomLifeUnit/pseuds/RandomLifeUnit
Summary: Sean couldn't think. He couldn't try to formulate a plan. He could only stand there and try as hard as he could not to crumple to the ground.





	1. Attacked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Please read carefully through the tags, as there may be some triggering content in this fic depending on your personal preferences. The first few chapters are the most graphic, with things mellowing out a bit after that and transitioning more into angst/recovery from trauma.  
Stay safe, everyone!

He knew it was coming. Sean's eyes were shut tight, but he could hear the heavy breathing of his tormentor, smell his fetid breath, could even _feel_ the warmth radiating from his body as the knife advanced closer. Already bleeding and bruised, Sean braced himself for what was coming, his heart thudding painfully in his chest, his shallow gasps of air sounding too-loud in the small, dank room.

Pain exploded onto his senses, despite how tightly every muscle was clenched in his body, despite how hard he braced for it, despite his every attempt to escape in his mind. His hands began to tremble again, the shaking quickly taking over his whole body. Tears squeezed past his tightly-shut eyes, and he held his breath, desperately trying to keep in the whimper that threatened to escape.

"Don't move," his assailant ground out in the gravelly voice Sean already hated with every fiber of his being. "You know it's only going to get worse if you try to get away," that voice said again, managing to sound both gleeful and menacing at the same time.  
Sean couldn't think. He couldn't try to formulate a plan. He could only stand there and try as hard as he could not to crumple to the ground.

_Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Don't...move_.

_Please,_ cried a far-off part of his mind.  
_Please. Help. Me._


	2. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Have you had enough yet?" the menacing figure leered at him, his twisted smile disturbingly visible in the surrounding gloom. "Maybe I've grown tired of you," he threatened.

_PAIN._

It had become a constant thrum across Sean's nerves, crescendoing into horrifying clarity for long moments, then diminishing into a buzzing static, always lurking in the background, waiting to overwhelm him again and again.  
Time felt meaningless. His mind was always drawn back to the pain; this was his existence now. He could not escape it. A distinct sense of unreality swirled throughout his consciousness.  
But now his tormentor brought his awareness quickly into sharp focus, as the point of the knife was held directly to his heart.  
"Have you had enough yet?" the menacing figure leered at him, his twisted smile disturbingly visible in the surrounding gloom. "Maybe I've grown tired of you," he threatened as he leaned closer, drawing blood as he needled the tip of the knife into Sean's bare chest.  
Sean's mind was screaming at him in panic. _Get away, run, now!!!_ His heart hammered wildly in his chest, and he began to sweat profusely. His lungs felt starved for air as he desperately held his breath. All his senses focused intently on the point of the knife, and the urge to escape burned like fire in his veins. Yet, his attacker's words echoed in his mind, leaving him paralyzed: _Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Don't..._  
That one horrible moment stretched into what felt like an eternity.  
But then a distant wailing sound broke onto his taught nerves. Suddenly, the point of the knife was withdrawn, and footsteps were rapidly echoing in the small enclosure. A door was thrown open roughly, the pounding footsteps getting further and further away.  
Vision swimming as he finally gasped for air, Sean's mind slowly began to take in the sound he had been hearing. Sirens. It was sirens. _What did that mean?_ Nothing made sense anymore. His abductor seemed to have left, yet he could return at any moment.

_Don't move. Don't move._

Eyes squeezed shut and body trembling, he waited to feel the point of the knife again. He knew it would be back soon.


	3. Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean huddled in tense silence, barely able to hear anything over the pounding of his own pulse in his ears.

Sirens.  
The sound of them grew louder in the dank, stale air surrounding Sean. He huddled in tense silence, trying futilely to stop the trembling that shook his frame, and waited. His brain was still frozen in fear. Reality felt warped as the anxiety left him unable to formulate a rational thought. Pain still frayed the ragged edges of his nerves, and the gathering darkness left him feeling safer, yet more vulnerable, as he was unable to see his surroundings clearly.  
The sirens stopped. The silence seemed deafening as he strained to hear anything in the absence of sound.  
Suddenly his heart jumped into his throat. Footsteps scurried, and distant, distorted voices called to one another. He put one hand over his ear, aching to block out the sounds, yet equally desperate to know what was coming.  
The door swung open, sending a wave of panic crashing over him. Instinctively, he threw his hands over his face and curled into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible.  
For the space of a few heartbeats, the only sound he could hear was his own ragged breathing. Then, the beam of a flashlight swept over him, the light penetrating his closed eyelids, and he struggled to blot it out with shaking fingers.  
A radio crackled to life, the sound alarmingly loud in the silence. "Scene clear, I've located the victim," a female voice intoned. Then the speaker directed her voice towards him. "Sean Reynolds?" she called, expectantly.  
He couldn't look. Couldn't answer. He could barely hear anything over the roar of his pulse in his ears.  
Soft footfalls drew near him. Others, more distant, seemed to be heading closer. Radio communications chirped from somewhere outside.

  
_Don't move. Don't move._

  
"It's all right, I'm with the police. You're safe now." Her tone was gentle, but Sean's brain couldn't absorb the words. A hand reached out to touch his arm, but he jerked away with a stifled scream. The touch was quickly withdrawn. "We're going to get you out of here," her voice called out to him gently.  
Slowly it began to register in the recesses of his brain that he wasn't feeling any fresh pain, and his breathing began to slow imperceptibly. No one was touching him; more importantly, no one was _hurting_ him. Uncertainly, he opened one eye, then the other, peering out from behind his hands. A police officer crouched in front of him, her hand outstretched, and footfalls echoed in the corridor. Two additional officers appeared in the darkened doorway, shining flashlights left and right. The light momentarily blinded him. "Scene's clear," the woman in front of him called. "I've got the victim here, but he's in pretty bad shape. Give me a hand."  
In a few moments, Sean felt himself being bodily lifted from his huddled position on the floor. His cramped and battered body protested violently, and he cried out. "Sorry," one of the officers apologized. "Can you walk, sir?" he asked Sean.  
He tried to put his full weight onto unsteady legs, but the world began to tilt at a crazy angle, and he broke out in a cold sweat. His stomach lurched, and he suddenly retched, feeling helplessly out of control. The room spun crazily, and everything went dark.


	4. Hospitalized

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sean? Sean," a familiar voice coaxed. He groaned as it tugged him closer to the beeping sound.  
Bright lights hit him as he slowly opened one eye. Where was he?

The sound of soft, steady beeping was the first thing to register as Sean began to regain consciousness. He heard his name being called, but it seemed so far away; it must be someone else the voice called for. Not him. A floating sensation permeated the fuzz in his brain.  
The calling started to get louder, and he realized they were indeed calling for him. He wasn't sure he wanted to respond.   
"Sean? Sean," a familiar voice coaxed. He groaned as it tugged him closer to the beeping sound.  
Bright lights hit him as he slowly opened one eye. Where was he?  
He struggled to roll over and sit up, but stopped with a small gasp. Everything hurt.  
"Sean!" the voice said again in mingled relief and concern. His dad was here? How did his dad get here?  
"Where am I?" he croaked in a near-whisper, his throat feeling sore and raspy.  
"You're in the hospital," his father, Dennis Reynolds, explained gently. He held a straw to Sean's lips, and Sean drank automatically. The cold water felt good as it slid down his throat.  
"What happened?" Sean asked in a clearer voice, as he looked at his dad. He still felt very disoriented.   
Dennis hesitated for a moment, his dark brows furrowing in thought. "You've been...hurt," he finally answered, carefully. "They've given you some pain medication, so you might be feeling a little woozy right now."  
Sean laid his head back on the pillow as memories began to wash over him. The twisted smile in the darkness. The scent of the stale air. The flash of the knife. And the pain, some of which he still felt even now. He closed his eyes and covered his face, feeling like he had been punched in the gut. The steady beeps sounding from a machine nearby began to speed up, faster... and faster.  
Suddenly, he felt strong arms holding him gently. "I've got you," Dennis said softly. "You're safe now. They caught your attacker. He won’t hurt you any more."  
Sean felt a small measure of comfort at the words, but a larger portion of him could not possibly feel safe with these thoughts in his mind.  
Dennis leaned back slightly to look at Sean's face. "Son, you don't have to tell me if you're not ready, but I---I just---want to know. What happened?"  
Sean shuddered slightly. He tried to make sense of the images in his brain, trying to think of where to start.  
"I'd finished my last class at school, and was on my bike, headed to work." Suddenly his mind scrambled. "Wait...work! What day is it? And my bike! You got me that for my birthday! Oh no!" He closed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed by shame.  
"It's okay! Don't worry!" Dennis hurried to reassure him, taking his hand. "Today is Thursday; you disappeared sometime yesterday afternoon." Sean tried to digest this information while his dad continued. "When you didn't show up for work, your boss called me. She was worried; you've never missed a day without calling before. And the police found your bike when they were out looking for you." His dad's eyes looked suspiciously moist.  
Sean felt the sudden weight of guilt for the fright he must have caused. "I'm sorry, dad," he said softly, looking at his hands.  
"What do you have to be sorry for?" his father answered, squeezing his hand.  
"For...for...worrying you." Sean's voice cracked.  
Dennis grabbed him and held on tightly, his own voice breaking. "I'm just glad I've got you back."


	5. Flashbacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean tried to compose himself, but being held like this just made him burst into tears all over again. All of the mixed-up emotions just seemed to jump up into his throat and crowd his eyes with wetness.

A week later, Sean's physical wounds were healing nicely, or so he was being told by the physician's assistant as the long row of stitches were slowly removed. He suppressed the urge to scream when he heard those words. The sight of the ugly bruises and cuts---still very visible on his skin---made his stomach turn. He felt as if the wounds clearly marked him as broken-- damaged beyond repair. As if somehow, an important piece of himself had been cut away by his attacker.  
He left the clinic feeling rage, despair, and numbness swirling in his gut. No one seemed to notice, or care, how he was feeling on the _inside_. His dad drove him home, and Sean was thankful he didn't press for conversation. They spent the ride home in silence.  
That night, as he settled under the covers, he felt a deep ache in the center of his chest that wouldn't go away. He could still feel the point of the knife near his heart, even though the wound no longer pained him. Pressing his fist deep into the ache, he rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping the feeling would pass.  
Suddenly he was sobbing uncontrollably into his pillow, gasping for breath as images and sensations flashed unbidden into his mind over and over. The glint of the knife, wet with his own blood, visible in the semi-darkness. The rank smell of his abductor's breath. The pounding of his pulse in his ears. And the feeling of absolute powerlessness all of it left him. Shame burned in his chest--why hadn't he fought back? Why hadn't he tried to escape? The darkness of his room felt like it was trying to consume his soul, and he wept in despair, pulling the blankets tightly over his head, desperate to shut out these feelings he couldn't control.  
"Sean?" his father's worried voice startled him, and he scrambled backwards in his bed, pressing hard against the back wall. Breathing roughly, he managed, "Dad," his voice cracking on the word. He tried to will his pulse to slow down as the sweat trickled down his forehead.  
Eyes wide with concern, Dennis gingerly sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to spook his son. Slowly moving closer, he cautiously put his arms around him. Sean tried to compose himself, but being held like this just made him burst into tears all over again. All of the mixed-up emotions just seemed to jump up into his throat and crowd his eyes with wetness.  
How long his father held him, he wasn't sure. It felt like forever, yet too soon when he felt his dad pulling away slightly. He cupped Sean's face with one hand.  
"Son, I am so, SO sorry this was done to you." he said, in a broken voice. "I want to help you, but I don't know how. Please tell me if there is anything I can do to help you through this."  
Tears coursed down Sean's cheeks again at the words. Choking a little, he answered in a raspy whisper, "Please, just---don't let go."  
Dennis grabbed him tightly and choked back a sob of his own. Sean clung to him like a child. Somehow, the sound of his father's breathing, and the steady thump of his heartbeat seemed to calm Sean a little. Bit by bit his tears slowed. Soon, he knew no more as sleep claimed him, still safely ensconced in his father's arms.

Late the next morning, Sean woke with a start, his heart pounding. For a moment, he couldn't remember where he was, and he felt a small moment of panic, until he took in his surroundings. The familiar smell of his favorite laundry detergent wafted up to him from the sheets. He recognized his own bed, the pictures on the walls. Soft snores from the floor drew his eyes there. His dad had slept on his floor, apparently. For a brief moment, this confused him, and then the previous night's events came rushing back to his mind. Sudden shame churned in his gut at his breakdown. What would his father think of him, seeing his 17-year old son, bawling like a baby? Why couldn't he get it through his head that this terrible thing that happened, was over? Why couldn't he feel safe in his own home, in his own bed?  
Suddenly, he remembered school. His part-time job. What time was it? Was he supposed to be working right now, or was it a school day? He felt panicked and confused all over again.  
From the floor, his father began to stir. Sean clapped his hand over his mouth, feeling guilty for waking Dennis after all he had put him through the night before. But his dad yawned and looked up at him, blinking the drowsiness away and sitting up on one elbow.  
"How're you feeling this morning, bud?" he asked with a sleepy smile, and Sean relaxed a little.  
"Uh... I'm not sure. Am I supposed to be at work today? Or is it a school day? I can't recall right now."  
Dennis looked at him with a serious expression on his face. "Son, I already called your boss, and the school, last week. Remember? You don't have to be anywhere today, or any day; not until you feel ready for it."  
Staring blankly at his father for a moment, Sean felt a mixture of intense relief and sinking guilt. "I'm sorry I can't keep up with my responsibilities. I..." he paused, searching for words, then shrugged and looked down at his hands, his face coloring slightly. "I'm sorry for last night. I hope you got some sleep."  
"You don't have anything to be sorry about!" Dennis answered forcefully, sitting up fully and looking directly at him. He averted his eyes from his father's intense gaze. "You've just been through an ordeal that would make a grown man cry like a baby. Please don't apologize. I'm here for you, if you need to talk, about _anything,_ okay?"  
"Okay," Sean answered in a quiet voice, not sure if his father was just trying to make him feel better, or if he was serious.  
Dennis leaned forward and took his hand.  
"I love you," he said.  
"I love you, too," Sean replied, a half-smile ghosting across his features.


	6. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't bear to hear the question anymore, to be reminded anymore. So it was easier to allow the numbness to spread from his gut up into his chest, swirling up into his head and dulling his senses. In a way, he welcomed it.

Sean felt a great numbness swirling through his soul day after day. He felt distant from everyone, everything. Out of touch. He didn't like feeling this way. But he just couldn't seem to push past this vague wall blocking his emotions. On the other hand, it was kind of nice to be distanced from the painful memories and feelings that still tried to assault him daily.  
He felt afraid of getting too close to the pain that lurked beneath the numbness. He didn't want the pain. He didn't want the rage. He didn't want the deep ache of sadness, the pall of powerlessness, and the shame that threatened to drown him. So while on one hand, the numbness was very uncomfortable, it also served to protect him from tapping into something much worse.  
It made him feel bad, though. Floating through the days, not really connecting with anyone.  
He had more time alone now that his dad had been back to work for a couple of weeks. He knew his dad couldn't miss any more work, but he missed the reassurance of Dennis's presence at home. It left him feeling bereft and anxious without him, and he gave an involuntary sigh of relief when he heard the car in the driveway every evening.  
His friends were trying to reach out to him---phone calls, texts, messages. It pained him every time his phone buzzed with a new notification. He just couldn't seem to get past the crippling anxiety that rose up every time he was asked about what happened. He couldn't bear to hear the question anymore, to be _reminded_ anymore. So it was easier to allow the numbness to spread from his gut up into his chest, swirling up into his head and dulling his senses. In a way, he welcomed it.

His father finally brought it up one evening over dinner. He'd figured this conversation was coming, but had hoped for more time to sort out his mixed-up feelings.  
"Sean," Dennis began in a serious tone, and he tensed slightly.  
"I've been getting worried about you. I've noticed that you seem a bit..." he searched for words, "...distant, the last couple of weeks. I've been trying to give you your space; I don't know what you're going through right now. I'm just worried, that's all. I hope ... I just wanted to make sure you're all right."  
Sean ducked his head as his cheeks burned. He hardly knew how to answer. Opening his mouth, he tried to form a response, but he closed it again when no words came to mind. Just...feelings. Confusing feelings.  
Dennis didn't press for more, instead getting back to his meal and letting the conversation drop. Sean felt relieved, yet guilty for not even answering.  
"What do you think about getting back to school?" Dennis tried again, a few minutes later. "Or maybe trying one or two days of work a week, if you feel up to it?"  
Sean really wanted to agree to the suggestion. He knew his dad was right, and that he really should get back to a semblance of normal life. But as he contemplated really doing it, his fork began to quietly rattle against his plate. He tried to steady his hand, but ended up putting the fork down. He tucked his hands into his lap.  
"Dad," he finally began, his voice shaking imperceptibly. "I...I..." he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Suddenly, his voice caught in his throat, and he had to swallow a few times. He tried to form the right words to convey his feelings. Instead, his thoughts tumbled out, feeling very disjointed. "I _can't_ go. But I _want_ to. I really do!" His voice began to take on an edge. "Every day, I feel this..._emptiness_ inside. Every day I'm reminded that..." he choked out, "...something was taken from me." He stood, beginning to pace. "Something important I can never get back! And I hate him for it!" His hands curled into fists at his sides, shaking. "And when I think about going back to school, or work..." his voice trailed off.  
"It makes you feel...?" Dennis leaned forward, trying to encourage him to finish his thought. This was the most his son had spoken about the incident since it had happened.  
"It makes me feel..." Sean dropped down onto the couch nearby, putting his head into his hands.  
"It makes me feel terrified." he finally whispered, his face aflame, eyes squeezed shut.  
"Can you tell me more?" his father gently prodded, moving to sit near him on the couch. He didn't want to push Sean, but he knew this conversation was vitally important.  
Sean's emotions churned. "On the way to work that day," he began, feeling a bit sick to his stomach. His hands trembled, and he clenched his fists again. "I...remember...I...was riding my bike. I got down to 5th street, and was waiting to turn onto Sunrise Ave, when I saw something dark flash out of the corner of my eye. Then a pain in my head and ...I woke up someplace else. It was musty, and...dark. Someone was there." The shaking got more intense, and his dad reached for one of his hands and squeezed it tight. He gulped an unsteady breath and continued. "I couldn't see... couldn't see all of his face. He must have had some sort of mask on. But I could see his smile." Sean's face twisted in revulsion, and he had to swallow back the bile in his throat. "He...he had a knife. He showed it to me." the words started tumbling out again, tripping over one another. "He explained that if I was good, and held still, and didn't make noise, that it would go better for me. But if I tried to get away..." his voice trailed off into a whisper, "...that he'd kill me."  
"He...started...started to cut me." Sean covered his face with his hands and began to weep. His father gathered him into his arms. "Keep going," Dennis admonished. "It's hard, but it's important you get it all out, son."  
"I begged him to stop." Sean gasped, the tears coursing down his face. "But that made it worse. I couldn't fight back, I just _couldn't._ And I _hate_ myself for it. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can't stand to be in my own skin. Every time I see those scars, it all comes back, all over again." He was sobbing into his father's shoulder now. "Sometimes I feel like it would have been better if he had just killed me," Sean choked out, the last word ending in a wail.  
Dennis was floored. He couldn't comprehend the depth of pain his son must be experiencing. He felt completely unqualified to answer, completely out of his league. So he simply held Sean even tighter than before, trying to hold back his own tears pricking at the back of his eyelids.  
"I'm so very glad you're alive," he finally said in a low voice sometime later, as Sean's gut-wrenching cries began to soften in intensity.  
It was much later when Sean finally decided to head up to his room. His feet felt leaden, and he swayed slightly as he stood to his feet. Dennis quickly got up and put one arm around his shoulder. "Let me just see you off to bed," he said gently. Sean nodded sluggishly.  
His father guided him to his room and tucked him into bed, layering on an extra blanket. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching his son slip quickly into unconsciousness. He hoped that pressing him to keep talking had been the right thing to do. Much of what he had heard shocked him to the core. Yet, he was relieved to finally know more about what happened. He scrubbed a hand across his face and wished he knew what to say to help his son. His own tears began to trickle quietly down his face as the clock ticked softly in the background.


	7. Getting Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sean Reynolds?" a female voice suddenly called, and for a split second, he was back in that dark room, cowering, while the police officer called his name. He felt slightly off-balance as he stood uncertainly, his dad falling into step next to him as he followed the therapist to her office. Dread settled into the pit of his stomach.

_Name._  
_Date of birth._  
_Address._  
_Phone number._  
  
These questions, and those that followed, shouldn't have caused Sean to break out in a sweat. _C'mon, get it together,_ he chided himself, hoping his dad didn't notice his discomfort as he began to fill out the paperwork at the therapist's office. Insecurity made him check his answers over twice, asking his dad for help with a couple of questions. He stood, handing the clipboard back to the receptionist, hoping he had done everything correctly.  
Next came the waiting. He hated waiting. His toe tapped the floor and he blew the hair out of his eyes in aggravation. Grabbing his cell phone, he played a mindless game he could barely focus on.  
"You still sure you want me here with you?" his dad, Dennis, broke the silence, gently. "Because it's all right if you'd rather do this alone."  
"No, no---I mean, I really do want you with me," Sean hurriedly answered, feeling flustered.  
"Sean Reynolds?" a female voice suddenly called, and for a split second, he was back in that dark room, cowering, while the police officer called his name. He felt slightly off-balance as he stood uncertainly, his dad falling into step next to him as he followed the therapist to her office. Dread settled into the pit of his stomach.  
  
"My name is Emma Hanson," the therapist introduced herself, exchanging pleasantries with father and son. Sean felt his stomach lurch when she asked, "What brings you to my office today?" Sweat broke out across his forehead as her gaze centered on him. _I don't know if I can do this,_ he thought, averting his eyes. He took a few breaths to steady his nerves, and then opened his mouth.  
"Um..something happened...happened to me," he began as he looked down, unsure of what to say. "And...uh...I feel like I need some help getting better." The words felt lame as they slipped out of his mouth. His cheeks warmed slightly.  
"All right, well, I'm glad you're here," she smiled, taking in both of them with her gaze. "Do you want to tell me a little more about it?" she prompted Sean gently.  
As he tried to think where to start, the memories again began to flash in Sean's mind, tumbling over one another. He felt a tremor starting in one hand. _No, no, not now,_ he thought as he felt panic beginning to seize his chest. He breathed deeply, trying to hold back the tide of anxiety rising.  
Dennis cleared his throat and gave Sean's shoulder a squeeze, leaning over to catch his eye. "Son, would it be okay if I started for you?"  
Sean nodded a little too vigorously, feeling foolish. He clasped his hands together tightly and tried to breathe normally, looking down at the floor.  
"Two months ago," Dennis began, "my son was kidnapped and brutally assaulted. We're here to try to work through the aftermath of that."  
Sean was grateful his dad spelled it out so concisely, but at the same time, shame filled him at hearing the words. He wasn't sure why. Maybe he should have been able to say it. _It's not that hard,_ he thought. _I can say something. I'm **going** to say something._  
"I'm not sleeping well," he began quietly, trying to be brave. "I haven't...I can't...go back to school. Or work. I'm just...stuck." His mouth snapped shut, and felt the embarrassment creeping up his neck.  
"I'm sure that's really difficult for you," his therapist sympathized, then stated confidently, "We can work on that". Sean wished he could feel reassured by her words. She talked some more with both of them, getting more details, and asked whether they had spoken to Sean's doctor about his anxiety and sleeping difficulties. "No," Sean answered, but his father countered with "Yes." Sean's head snapped up as he looked at his dad questioningly. Dennis gave him an apologetic smile. "I could tell you were feeling uncomfortable about the doctor's office," he explained cautiously. "But I needed to get some advice about how to help you. The nurse said usually medication and therapy were the options in this case, so I thought maybe we'd start here."  
Sean knew his dad was just trying to help, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling like he had gone behind his back. He felt intensely angry, like he was being singled out as some crazy person who needed to be in a mental hospital. He stood abruptly. "I'll wait for you in the car" was all he said to Dennis through tight lips as he escaped out of the room, feeling like the walls were closing in on him.  
In the empty hallway, he stopped and leaned against the wall, his breath coming in gasps. His heart beat in his chest, to the time of the memory echoing in his head: _Don't move. Don't move._ He covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.  
Soon he felt his father's arm come around him, and he felt tears being wiped away that he didn't realize were there. "Son, I'm so sorry," Dennis said softly. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted to help."  
Sean felt his breath catch as the words began to sink in. He realized he was overreacting, badly. He covered his face with his hands and said very softly, "I'm sorry, Dad. I don't know what's wrong with me."  
Dennis pulled him aside to some chairs and sat down next to him. "I'll tell you what, Son, how about you go relax out in the car after all, and I talk to the therapist? Would that be all right with you? I don't need to give her any more details about what happened if you don't want me to, but maybe she and I could talk about what might help you best right now? If you'd rather not though, we can just leave."  
Sean closed his eyes and thought for a moment, blowing out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.  
"Yeah...yeah, that...that sounds okay. I think I'll...just wait out in the car."  
"All right." Dennis smiled gently. "Just text me if you start to feel uncomfortable, or if you want to go home."  
"Okay," Sean said as he stood. "See you in a bit."  
He trudged out of the building and got into the car, sitting down heavily and sighing. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he tried to shake the feeling of embarrassment at the scene he'd just made. He couldn't help but wonder what his dad and the therapist were discussing.


	8. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you really understand anything I'm going through right now?" He suddenly stood, gesturing widely. "Can you understand not being able to go to school or work, not being able to talk to your friends about what happened to you, not being able to sleep at night because the darkness reminds you of...of..." he broke off, breathing hard, fists clenched at his sides.

Sean gulped as he headed into his therapist's office. This time, he was going it alone. Anxiety gripped him, but he tried to talk himself out of it. _This is stupid. You know her already. She's a nice person. It'll be fine._  
Unfortunately, all his attempts at reassuring himself didn't stop the fear broiling under the surface. _What if I break down or freak out again? What will she think? What will she say?_  
By the time he sat down, he felt like a mess. He really wanted to have it all together, even as he knew it wasn't logical to feel a need to be perfect. Wasn't that why he was at the therapist's office in the first place? Because he needed help? But for some reason, he still felt embarrassed being here and talking about his problems. Every time he was faced with reliving those painful memories, the sensation of powerless overwhelmed him all over again. He just couldn't handle feeling that way. _Why can't I just be a normal teenager without all this baggage?_ He sighed quietly and looked up at his therapist.   
Emma smiled at him and asked how he was doing.   
He put his face in his hands and tried to come up with an answer to that very simple question, as his left leg tapped nervously on the ground. "Uh..." his voice trailed off into silence.  
"I see your father isn't here today. How do you feel about that?" she prompted.  
Sean swallowed hard and fidgeted, picking at his fingernails. "Uh," he repeated, feeling stupid. "I feel...nervous, I guess."  
"I can understand that," she said.   
"Can you really?" he asked, looking at her sharply. "Can you really understand anything I'm going through right now?" He suddenly stood, gesturing widely. "Can you_ understand_ not being able to go to school or work, not being able to talk to your friends about what happened to you, not being able to sleep at night because the darkness reminds you of...of..." he broke off, breathing hard, fists clenched at his sides.  
Emma sat quietly, listening. "What does it remind you of?" she asked.  
Sean looked at her steadily for a long moment, his breath heaving, and then it was like a dam broke inside him, everything rushing out at once.  
"The knife...coming at me...the pain. Don't move...it will make it worse. Don't cry. Don't scream. Don't do anything. Just stand there. My mind screaming for help anyway. Wishing my dad were there...wishing someone would find me. And then, when the police actually showed up, I was too much of a coward to even see that I was being rescued. I...I...don't even remember the ride to the hospital, or getting stitches. I don't trust my memories..._myself...ANYONE_ anymore."   
Emma handed Sean the box of tissues quietly. He hadn't even realized he'd been crying. He grabbed a few from the box and blew his nose as he sat down.  
"I'm just a mess. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on like this. I can't go on feeling this way anymore."   
"Have you ever thought of harming yourself?" Emma asked, calmly.   
"Sometimes," he admitted, avoiding her gaze.  
"Have you talked to anyone about those feelings?"   
"No," he said quietly, hanging his head.   
"I hope you feel you can talk to me," she said gently. "It's very normal to feel this way after something traumatic has happened to you."   
"It is?" he looked up, sniffling.  
"It is." she affirmed. "It's very difficult for our brain to make sense of such an overwhelming experience, and sometimes, it can be so painful, that it can feel like there is no way out of the suffering. But I hope you know there is help, and you _can_ feel better."  
Sean listened intently.  
"It takes time, but if you can work through these feelings, and keep talking about what happened to you, eventually your brain can make sense of it, and the pain will slowly lessen. Please be patient with yourself, and know that it's normal to blame yourself for not doing something in that moment. But in reality, you likely did everything _right_. Fighting back, without any way to defend yourself, would have probably made you get hurt worse. Survival was the number one priority, and you did the best thing you could have done in that situation, to stay alive. And you did it! You survived."   
Sean felt the breath leave him in a whoosh at everything she was saying. He did the right thing? How could that be? "But if it was the right thing to do...then why does it hurt so much?" he asked quietly, tears trailing down his cheeks.  
"It's right that you survived, Sean. It wasn't right that you were being hurt, though. But it wasn't your fault; you didn't do anything wrong."  
Sean wished he could believe her words with all his heart. But it still felt good to hear her say it. He grabbed more tissues as he cried harder. 

He left Emma's office later, feeling wrung out. He felt a little better for having talked with her, but he also just felt empty...worn out. He was very glad his father was picking him up in a few minutes. 

"How did it go?" Dennis asked, as he sat down in the passenger's seat.   
Sean blew out a breath. He felt like he didn't have the strength for a detailed answer. "Good," was all he quietly said, as he fastened his seat belt.  
"I'm glad to hear it," Dennis responded, anxious to hear more, but trying not to press his son. He hoped they would be able to discuss it later. "How about we get some fast food, and head home?" he suggested to Sean.  
"That sounds great," Sean answered, relief evident in his voice. 


	9. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rage overwhelmed him and he struck the glass, fists clenched and breath heaving. A bit of satisfaction washed over the anger as he stared at the splintered pieces. Then a thought hit him with such gravity that he stumbled backward slightly: he was the broken mirror.

Sean held his phone in one hand, trying to quell the fears attempting to rush him. When did simply talking on the phone become this much of a challenge? He used to have to limit himself so he wouldn't go over his minutes. Now...his hand shook slightly as he stared at the screen.  
His therapist had encouraged him to reach out to his friends, seeing as how he'd effectively cut himself off from them for almost three months. But every time he picked up that phone, he was overcome with fear. Fears about what they might say, and what they might NOT say. He wanted so badly to reconnect with them, but his old life felt foreign to him now. So much had changed--he wasn't the same person anymore. He hoped his friends could still accept him.  
He worried they might not.   
Scrolling through his contacts, he tried to pick a name. What about Jonathan? _No. He's always so cheerful, he probably wouldn't understand._ Sam? Ryan? Angela? None of the names seemed right.  
He sighed and sat on the bed, breathing deeply and trying to talk himself into dialing someone, feeling foolish. As his finger hovered over that glowing green icon, the device began to tremble in his hand. He threw it onto the bed, feeling suddenly angry. It bounced once, landing near his pillow.  
Why was this so hard? Why didn't anyone tell him it was going to be like this? Why couldn't he ever be his old self anymore? He hated himself for his weakness. Turning towards the wall, he caught his reflection in the mirror. Rage overwhelmed him and he struck the glass, fists clenched and breath heaving. A bit of satisfaction washed over the anger as he stared at the splintered pieces. Then a thought hit him with such gravity that he stumbled backward slightly: _he_ was the broken mirror. He was shattered, his old self lying in pieces. Covering his face, he sat down hard on the bed and wept, feeling as broken as the glass. As he did so, his therapist's words drifted into his consciousness..._not your fault...didn't do anything wrong...this is normal._  
_Ugh,_ he thought. _That can't be right._  
He pulled his hands away from his face, noticing with a jolt that his right hand was bleeding. The sight of the blood made panic coil tightly in his gut, his heart beginning to pound in his chest. Grabbing his phone, he quickly dialed his dad's work number. _"C'mon, c'mon, please,"_ he whispered anxiously as it rang, the heady sense of relief washing over him at the sound of Dennis's voice. "Dad," he started, hating how breathless he sounded. "I... I did something dumb, and... and... now my hand is bleeding."   
"Are you okay? How bad is it?" Dennis asked quickly, his voice rising in concern.   
"Uhh...I don't know...it's kind of... oozing... a little bit?" Sean answered, feeling like he was going to be sick.   
"I'll be there in ten minutes," his dad said quickly. "Grab a towel and wrap it up. Put pressure on it if you can. I'm going to hang up, but call me on my cell if you need me, okay? I'm on my way."  
"Okay," he replied faintly, as he moved to comply. His legs shook slightly, and he sank onto the floor in the bathroom, his hand swathed in a towel.   
His father's steps pounded up the stairs in record time. "Hey, Dad," Sean said, his voice wavering.   
"Let me take a look at you," Dennis said quicky, as he knelt down, unwrapping the towel. "Can we wash this off, Bud? It will help me get a better look here," he prompted. Sean stepped to the sink, feeling a little wobbly. Dennis put an arm around his son's waist and directed his hand under the cool water. Sean inhaled sharply as it came in contact with his knuckles.   
His dad gently dried off his hand a bit, then looked closely at the cuts. "I think you're going to be okay," he reassured, turning the hand this way and that to get a good look. "It looks like the bleeding isn't too bad now, and these cuts aren't too deep. Let's bandage it up, though, yeah?"   
"Really? I'm okay?" Sean answered, feeling a mixture of relief and regret. He sat back down on the floor, not sure his legs would support him.   
Dennis grabbed the first aid kit and dabbed some antiseptic on Sean's knuckles. He winced at first, but it only stung for a few moments. His father's eyes held his for a long moment before he began bandaging up his hand. Once he finished, he sat down next to Sean, laying an arm over his shoulders.   
"There you go. All fixed up. Now, why don't you tell me what happened?"  
Sean didn't hear any reproach in his father's voice, but he still felt incredibly stupid for what he'd done. Even worse, tears pricked at the back of his eyelids. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth. Might as well get it over with. "I... I broke my mirror." He chanced a quick look at his father before staring back at his hands in his lap.  
Dennis's eyes widened, but he purposely kept his voice quiet and calm, remembering that Sean's therapist had warned him about potentially erratic behavior. "Hey, I'm not upset with you, okay? I'm just glad you're all right." He gave his shoulder a squeeze.  
Sean covered his face with his hands, feeling the bandage against his cheek. He wished he could explain his feelings. "I tried to call one of my friends today," he began. His father silently entreated him to continue.   
"I just sat there holding the phone," Sean continued. "Like an idiot. I mean, who gets scared of a _phone_? It's so dumb. I... I threw the phone down, and then when I saw myself in the mirror, I..." his voice cracked embarrassingly.   
"What did you see?" Dennis prodded gently, when Sean remained silent.   
"I just... all I saw was that... I'm broken." Sean whispered, covering his face again, tears seeping out of his eyelids.   
Dennis wrapped his arms around his son, sighing deeply. He wished Sean wasn't so hard on himself. But how to make him see that?  
"Hey," he said quietly, his head near Sean's. "It's okay. It really is. We can buy a new mirror, so don't worry about that. But you matter much more than any old mirror. You matter, whether you feel broken or not. You're still my son, and I still love you just the same. And I always will."   
Sean curled closer to his dad, crying a little more.   
Dennis just held his son tightly until he quieted some. Thinking over what Sean had said, it dawned on him what the problem might be.  
"Sean, are you having a hard time talking to your friends?"   
Sean nodded mutely, head on his knees.  
His dad thought a minute.  
"Would it help if we had a few of your friends over here for dinner some night? I could run interference for you, if anything awkward comes up. And you could just give me a signal if you needed them to leave."  
Sean thought about it a moment. His heart was still pounding. But he thought it might work. He told his father so.  
"Why don't you just let me know who to invite, and I'll take care of the rest?" Dennis encouraged.   
Feeling much relieved, Sean nodded with a small smile. "Thanks, Dad," he said gratefully.  
Dennis smiled back. "Anything for you, Bud. Now, why don't you head downstairs and get a snack, and I'll get that mirror cleaned up? I need to head back to work soon, but I can stay a bit longer, okay?"   
Sean nodded, rising to his feet. Suddenly, things didn't seem so bleak anymore. 


	10. Emerging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean felt surprised by the laughter bubbling up out of him. It felt strange, but in a good way. Angela and the friend she had brought, Rebecca, giggled at their shared humor and Angela stuck her tongue out at the boys. Sean just coasted among the camraderie, glad to be included after so long of a hiatus from his friends.

It was amazing.   
He was actually starting to feel halfway normal hanging out with his friends after an early dinner that Friday.  
He'd sneaked his dad a covert thumbs-up when the meal was over, and Dennis had headed into the study to read, like they'd agreed on.   
Now he and his friends were watching reruns of their favorite shows in the living room, talking over the top of most of the scenes. Jonathan and Ryan always had something funny to add to each moment, and Sean felt surprised by the laughter bubbling up out of him. It felt strange, but in a good way. Angela and the friend she had brought, Rebecca, giggled at their shared humor and Angela stuck her tongue out at the boys. Sean just coasted among the camraderie, glad to be included after so long of a hiatus from his friends. He didn't know Rebecca well, but when she turned and smiled warmly at him, his return smile was genuine.  
Ryan reached for the bowl of snack mix on the coffee table near the couch.   
"How can you possibly be hungry again?" Jonathan teased him, poking him in the gut. "You had four slices of pizza!"   
Ryan just grinned and grabbed a handful. He tossed an M&M at Jonathan, who caught it successfully in his mouth, eliciting cheers from his friends.  
Sean rose from the couch to grab a drink. "Anyone want some soda?" he called from the refrigerator. A chorus of responses echoed from the living room, so he brought four more cans with him. He handed them out, leaving Ryan's and Jonathan's on the coffee table since they were busy tackling each other. He leaned against the side of the couch, watching them with a smile.   
Angela whispered to Rebecca, seated next to her on the loveseat, and she laughed quietly. Angela then furtively grabbed the remote, flipped the channel to cartoons, and started counting quietly. "One... two... three..."   
"Hey! I was watching that!" Jonathan yelled, making Angela throw her head back in laughter. "Becca and I were wondering how long it would take you to notice," she snickered. "You weren't even looking at the screen!"   
"It's my favorite episode!" Jonathan countered, making a grab for the remote. Angela dangled it just out of reach, and Jonathan yelled in mock anger as he reached out to tickle her, making her drop the remote. He snagged it and threw his hands up in victory, while she squealed and threw a weak punch into his midsection. Grinning nonchalantly, he sat back down, flipping the channel back to the show.   
Sean chuckled quietly and moved to sit back down at his end of the couch. Awareness hit with a jolt that he’d miscalculated, jostling Rebecca’s elbow on the way. Turning quickly to look, he stared in horror as her soda wobbled and spilled onto her arm and down her leg. Her head snapped up, a frown briefly creasing her brow. A memory suddenly surfaced in Sean's mind. The low voice of his attacker ground out, "How could you have been so stupid? Look what you've done now._ I told you not to move..."_ Time seemed to slow, and sounds seemed to fade as he started shaking, backing away from everyone with jerky motions. Breath catching in his throat, he dashed up the stairs to his room. Collapsing on his bed, he threw his hands over his face. Shame filled his head as tears squeezed out of his eyes. _Stupid! What a stupid idea this was to try this. How could I think I could pretend to be normal again? And now look at me--crying like a baby. Can't even handle a little time with friends without messing everything up. What an idiot!_

Downstairs, his friends all looked at each other in consternation. What had just happened? Rebecca stood and excused herself, heading into the kitchen. Rinsing off her arm, she grabbed a towel and dried the soda off her leg as best she could. Resolutely she strode for the study, and finding the door ajar, she knocked tentatively as she stepped inside.  
"Mr. Reynolds?" she asked softly.   
"Yes, Rebecca?" he answered her.  
"Um...you know how you told us that Sean went through something tough, and that he might not be quite over it yet?"  
"Yes?" he responded, his mind on sudden alert.  
"Well...I think I somehow made something happen," she said contritely. "He bumped me, and my soda spilled, and when I looked up at him, he got really pale and ran upstairs. I feel bad, and wondered if it would help if I apologized."   
It took a few moments for Dennis to think this over, but then he answered, "It's not your fault, but it might help for you to try. Keep in mind, he may be really upset right now, so if he doesn't want to talk, don't push him. Just come and get me, okay?" he looked at her intensely for a moment.   
Rebecca nodded, her face serious. "I will," she promised.   
"Okay then, go ahead. Gently," he admonished. "His room is the first one on the right at the top of the stairs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sean just can't can't catch a break! Poor guy is just trying to have fun, but ends up a wreck. This was a long chapter originally, so it's split into two.


	11. Tentative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I promise, I was a completely normal person before all this," he tried to assure her. "I didn't use to be like... this." Staring at the floor, he wished more than anything that he could be calm right now. 

Rebecca headed back through the living room, whispering to Angela that she was going to go talk to Sean. Angela nodded.  
Rebecca ascended the stairs quietly, feeling bad for Sean and whatever he had gone through, and hoping she could help ease his mind about the soda spill.   
She knocked on his door softly. A muffled, "Come in" came from the other side of the door, so she turned the handle and stepped inside hesitantly. A loud gasp and scrambling sound made her turn, seeing Sean sitting up on his bed, frantically scrubbing at his face with the back of his hand. She could see he was shaking.   
"I thought you were my dad," Sean said, feeling completely turned inside out with shame and self-consciousness. He looked away, trying to keep his hands from trembling.  
Rebecca felt her heart contract in sadness for Sean. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to embarrass you at all. I just felt bad, because I know the spill was an accident, but when you left, I worried that you got the idea I was angry. So I wanted to apologize in case I upset you."   
Sean's mouth hung open slightly. _"You_ want to apologize to _me_? _I'm_ the one who messed everything up and...and..." he covered his face with one hand. "I'm sorry," he sighed, eyes closed, voice shaking. "I have...this problem...from some bad stuff...that happened to me. It makes me act...weird." He cringed internally at how lame his explanation sounded. The room was silent for a moment, and he sighed quietly, assuming she had left.   
Suddenly his bed was dipping a bit and his eyes flew open. Rebecca perched on the edge, looking uncertain. "I know we don't know each other well," she said, "But do you want to talk about it?"   
Sean's mouth fell open again. He closed it quickly, and looked down. This felt like too much of a risk. Rebecca seemed like a nice person. But how could he explain something so awful... so personal? "You don't have to do that," he sighed again, looking away, wishing desperately that he could take her up on her offer.  
Rebecca felt torn. She could tell Sean felt uncomfortable, but at the same time, she felt strangely compelled to comfort him, if she could. "It's okay. I don't mind," she tried to reassure him.   
Sean's mouth went dry. Wow. He was really going to do this. He felt a slight tremor starting again in one hand, and he flexed his fingers, trying to relax. "Okay," he heard himself say. _I hope you don't regret this, _he thought, both for himself, and for her.   
Blowing out a breath, mind scrambling, he tried to make a start at some logical point. "I... have PTSD," he started, feeling the self-deprication rising even higher at the words leaving his mouth. "It means post-traumatic stress disorder," he began to explain.  
"I've heard of it," Rebecca nodded.  
Sean's heart skipped a beat. Very quietly, he said, "I didn't even know what it was until I started going to therapy a little over a month ago." He felt burning shame in admitting he needed therapy, but his companion simply nodded, and her face seemed open and encouraging. "I promise, I was a completely normal person before all this," he tried to assure her. "I didn't use to be like... this." Staring at the floor, he wished more than anything that he could be calm right now.   
Silence fell for a moment, and then he heard her voice, asking quietly, "Would it help to talk about what happened?"   
His heart began to race. Was he going to talk about it? Here, now? Could he do it without freaking out this time? Swallowing hard, his breaths came faster as the tremor in his hand increased. _Nope, this was a mistake,_ he realized too late, as panic began to swamp his senses.  
Suddenly a warm, firm pressure on his hand broke him out of the downward spiral. Rebecca had reached out, and in his surprise, he forgot his fear for a moment. "Thanks," he whispered.  
"Whatever happened to you...it must have been awful," she said in sympathy.   
"Yeah," he answered, his throat feeling tight. He was absolutely NOT going to cry in front of this girl. He cleared his throat. "I got kidnapped." There. He had said it. The relief felt intense, but short-lived.   
"Whoa," she responded, her eyes widening in shock. "How did you get away?" she asked after a few moments.   
"The police found me. I guess I went by ambulance to the hospital. My dad was there when I woke up."   
Rebecca remained silent, her expression grave. "Were you...hurt?" she asked in a low voice.  
"Yeah," he answered, squeezing his eyes shut. He wasn't sure how much to say. He didn't want to freak her out. "Let's just say some of the scars will probably be there for the rest of my life." _In more ways than one, _he thought ruefully to himself.   
"I'm so sorry," she murmured. "That must have been so awful. I can't imagine."  
"Thanks," he answered quietly, looking down at her hand covering his. "Thank you for...talking with me."   
She gave his hand a squeeze and withdrew her hand from his. "You're welcome," she said. "Are you feeling better?"   
"Yeah...a little," he smiled, feeling a new warmth spreading in his chest.   
Rebecca smiled back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you suspect you or a loved one may have post-traumatic stress disorder, talk to your doctor or therapist about it. Here are some resources for further reading.  
https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Posttraumatic-Stress-Disorder/Support  
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd  
If you're feeling down, depressed, or suicidal, please reach out for help.  
The National Suicide Hotline number (for the USA) is 1-800-273-8255. They're available 24/7.  
PTSD isn't something only experienced by military service members. It can develop after someone experiences or witnesses something traumatic or life-threatening. Here is more about that: https://nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/November-2017/PTSD-and-Trauma-Not-Just-for-Veterans
> 
> PTSD can look different for different people. You don't have to have every symptom listed to have PTSD. 
> 
> Please reach out for help. Don't suffer alone.


	12. Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean couldn’t believe that talking with Rebecca had gone that well. His brain had come up with so many horrifying potential scenarios when she had come into his room, and seen him at one of his lowest moments. But she hadn’t flinched, she hadn’t left, and she hadn’t made fun of him.

Sean couldn’t believe that talking with Rebecca had gone that well. His brain had come up with so many horrifying potential scenarios when she had come into his room, and seen him at one of his lowest moments. But she hadn’t flinched, she hadn’t left, and she hadn’t made fun of him. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve her compassion, but he felt gratitude filling his heart.

Rebecca looked at Sean, and asked carefully, “So…do you want to go back downstairs?” All of Sean’s good feelings fled in that moment, like a beautiful bubble bursting. His gut tightened and he felt sweat break out on his forehead. “Um…” he tried to articulate a response. “I… don’t… know if that’s a good idea,” he stammered.

“Why not?” she asked.

Sean closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, blowing out a breath. He did _not_ want to be having this conversation.

“I hope you don’t feel bad about what happened. I’ll bet your friends won’t mind though, and I’ll go with you, okay?"

Sean dragged a hand over his face, sighing deeply. "Ugh… I guess so.” he looked at the floor, his stomach in knots, not feeling ready at all.

Rebecca stood and took his hand again, tugging him upright. “Just try to relax, all right? Everything will be okay."

Sean wanted to tell her he wasn’t convinced of that, but he didn’t want to be rude. The pressure of her hand on his felt good, though, and it seemed to help a little. They descended the stairs together, and Rebecca didn’t let go of his hand when they reached the living room. All of his friends were looking at him, their expectant faces sparking dread in his gut.

Jonathan was the first to respond. He stood quickly and exclaimed, "You all right, man? What happened?”

_Oh no._ Sean’s mind scrambled. What could he possibly say? He looked down and tried to get his breathing under control. His hand shook despite Rebecca’s firm grip on it. She gave his hand a squeeze.

“Sean’s been through a lot, and he just needed a moment,” she said decisively. Jonathan nodded, then hesitated a moment before sitting back down on the couch. He scooted over, making room for Sean. Sean sat down gingerly as Rebecca let go of his hand, reclaiming her own seat. He sent her a look he hoped conveyed his gratitude. She smiled at him and started chatting with Angela. That seemed to break the tension, and Sean felt himself relax a little as Ryan and Jonathan resumed their own conversation.

Dennis Reynolds strode to the kitchen, asking loudly, “Who wants dessert? We’ve got chocolate-chip cookies and brownies.” Ryan cheered and pumped his fist in the air, eliciting more teasing from Jonathan as they all rose and made their way into the kitchen.

After dessert, Ryan announced that his parents would probably want him home soon, as it was getting late. Angela had driven her parent’s old car over, so all four friends piled into her vehicle for a ride to their homes. Sean waved from the doorway, relieved in the extreme that the evening was over. He headed back inside, climbing the stairs to his room. Exhaustion suddenly enveloped him, and he sat down on the edge of his bed, head in his hands.

Dennis knocked on the open door and poked his head inside. “Mind if I come in?” he asked. Sean nodded. “Sure, Dad.”

“Well, Bud, how do you feel like that went for you? I hope it was all right that I told Rebecca she could come up.”

“She asked your permission?” Sean’s eyes widened.

“Yes, she did. She felt that she was somehow to blame for setting you off, and she wanted to try to make it right. I hope you don’t mind, but I explained to each of your friends before they came, that you had been through something difficult, and weren’t quite recovered from it yet. I wanted to make sure they would go easy on you,” he added. “I didn’t give them any other details beyond that,” he hastened to clarify.

Sean sat for a moment, blowing out a breath. Part of him felt a little embarrassed that his dad had talked to his friends for him, but he also felt relieved that they at least had been made aware. “So that’s why Rebecca came to you first?” he wondered. “Yes, I think so,” Dennis answered. “She wanted to make sure it was okay for her to come talk to you. It felt right to agree, but I was still hoping that it worked out all right for you– that I’d made the right choice.”

“Yeah, actually, it worked out pretty well,” Sean said, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck, a half smile on his face. “She was really nice.” Dennis smiled. “I can’t tell you how glad that makes me,” he said, giving Sean a hug. Sean hugged him back, hard. “Thanks for always being here for me,” he said, his voice muffled in his father’s shoulder. “You know I love you,” Dennis responded, ruffling his hair. Sean laughed and scooted back out of his reach. “Love you too.”


	13. Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grabbing his bike from the garage, he swung his leg over and sat down, trying desperately to block the memories that were attempting to flood his mind. He was just going for a bike ride; nothing more! "It's no big deal!" he ground out through clenched teeth. He strapped on his helmet and took off down the road, trying to outpace his feelings.

Sean knew he needed to go back to school. It had been haunting his dreams, dogging his every step. The thought surfaced at random times---when his dad left for work; when a friend texted him. When no one texted him, because they were in the middle of class. When he talked to his therapist, Emma. While sympathetic, she gently continued to encourage him in a forward direction. He kept trying to make up his mind to just do it, but something inside him tried to crawl screaming up into his throat and seize his vocal cords every time. 

His phone buzzed on a Thursday afternoon. He looked at the message casually before doing a double-take. Rebecca?!   
_Hi, Sean. I hope you don't mind me getting your number from Angela. I've been thinking about you, and just wondered how you are doing. _  
_Rebecca_  
Sean's eyes widened and he felt both pleasure and anxiety churning in his gut.  
Before sending a reply message, he looked it over once more, indecision making him hesitate.  
_Hi, Rebecca. No, I don't mind. Thanks for messaging me. I'm doing okay. Trying to talk myself into going back to school._  
Punching send, he headed downstairs to work on washing dishes, hoping he hadn't shared too much. He set his phone on the table and rolled up his sleeves, trying to keep from stealing glances back at the blank screen.   
The mounting guilt and anxiety about school and work drove him from room to room, scrubbing here, picking up there, running a load of laundry, making his bed. He tried not to look at the discoloration on the wall where his mirror used to be. His dad had asked him if he wanted a new one, but he hadn't thought that was a good idea. Suddenly angry at the memory of the incident, he hastily ran downstairs to grab a hammer. He ripped a framed picture off his bedroom wall, yanking the nail out, and moved to hang it in place of the mirror. Hammering the nail forcefully into the wall felt good until he suddenly made contact with his index finger. Swearing loudly, he dropped the hammer on the floor, squeezing his eyes shut and holding his finger tightly. Frustration and anxiety warred in his mind, and he felt like he was going to go crazy. Shaking slightly, he grabbed his phone and a jacket, and decided to go ride his bike. He jogged downstairs and locked the door on his way out. Grabbing his bike from the garage, he swung his leg over and sat down, trying desperately to block the memories that were attempting to flood his mind. He was just going for a bike ride; nothing more! _"It's no big deal!"_ he ground out through clenched teeth. He strapped on his helmet and took off down the road, trying to outpace his feelings. His heart racing, breath heaving, he flew across the pavement, homes whizzing past him in a blur. Tears drying on his face, he pushed himself faster, and faster, as he reached the outskirts of his neighborhood. All he knew in those moments was the heavy ache in his chest, the blood pounding in his head, and the deafening rush of the wind in his ears.

Suddenly Sean's awareness came down to earth with a thump. The park loomed ahead of him on the right. How had he gotten this far from home? As he turned in and coasted down one of the main paths, he spotted a park bench ahead. He climbed off of his bike and sat down hard, fatigue beginning to crash over him. He put his head into his hands and tried to get his breathing and heart rate to calm down. A sudden vibrating in his pocket made him nearly jump off the seat. Blowing out a breath, he grabbed his phone out. "Hi, Dad," he answered it, trying not to sound as breathless as he felt.   
"Sean! Where are you?" Dennis asked, sounding exasperated and worried. "I've been trying to reach you for twenty-five minutes!"   
Sean panicked for a moment as he looked at his watch. He'd been out for two hours? "Whoa. I'm...really sorry. I totally...lost track of time," he said in between breaths. "I'm at the park."  
"What are you doing there?" his dad asked incredulously.  
"I rode my...bike here," Sean said, wincing at the worry in his dad's voice.   
"You rode all the way to the _park?" _  
"Uh...yeah," Sean answered awkwardly. "You could have left a note!" his dad rarely raised his voice at Sean, so he knew he was in trouble this time. "I had no idea where you were or what had happened to you!"   
"I'm sorry, Dad." Sean put a hand over his eyes. "I didn't mean to worry you. I wasn't thinking. I'll head home right now."   
"I'm coming to get you," Dennis said. "It's going to get dark soon. Stay put, okay? I'll be there in about thirty minutes."  
"All right," Sean answered, feeling the remorse climbing higher.   
He hung up, leaning back on the bench, feeling more weary than he had in a long time. Dread filled his stomach as he waited for his dad to arrive. As he looked at his phone, he saw he had a reply message from Rebecca as well. He didn't want to read it right now--he felt too overwhelmed and exhausted.

Dennis pulled up about a half hour later, and Sean peeled himself off the park bench, feeling like his legs were weighted. Dennis got out and popped the back open, helping Sean lift the bike. Sean was grateful for the help--- fatigue and guilt felt like they were crushing him simultaneously. He got into the passenger side and buckled in, putting his head in his hands.  
They drove in silence for awhile before Dennis spoke. His voice had softened somewhat. "I'm glad you're safe. You had me pretty worried. It's almost dark now and I...I just can't lose you again, Bud."   
Sean's gut twisted, his guilt razor-sharp. "I'm really sorry." It felt lame, but no other words seemed adequate.  
"You're sure you're all right, though?" Dennis asked, concern still evident in his voice.  
Sean blew out a breath. "Yeah... just tired," he answered wearily, feeling on the edge of tears.  
"What possessed you to ride out this far from home?" his father pressed.  
Answering that question felt harder than it should have been. Sean's eyes squeezed shut and he felt himself tensing up. "I was at home, while all my friends were at school, and I should be there, but I'm not. I should be working in the afternoons. I should be...getting better. I should be stronger than this. I'm so_ tired_ of being a disappointment to my boss, my friends... everyone." His gaze flicked hastily to his father before looking away again. "I grabbed my bike and... just... tried not to feel, I guess. I don't even remember how I got out this far."   
Dennis nodded slowly, remaining silent.   
"I... I want to have a normal life. And it's so _f__rustrating _to not be able to do the things I want--need--_should_ be doing anymore." Sean's hands curled into fists, shaking slightly. Tears welled in his eyes and he blinked rapidly, trying to hold them at bay.  
Dennis glanced at his son as he turned onto their street. He placed a hand on Sean's shoulder. "We'll figure this out, okay? It'll be all right."   
"All right," Sean answered wearily, wishing everything were different.   
Once they arrived home and the bike was put away, he fled upstairs and collapsed into bed, eager to forget everything, and faintly hoping tomorrow might be different.


	14. Reluctance

  
Sunlight spilled onto Sean's face from his poorly-closed curtain the next morning. He groaned and turned away from the unwelcome wake-up call. His mind, however, began churning. Today was another day of therapy. Part of him looked forward to it, as faint tendrils of trust had begun to solidify between his therapist and himself. But part of him always dreaded showing up, fearing she would find out what a mess he really was inside. He dragged himself out of bed, the conflicting emotions making him wish he could just disappear.

The hot water in the shower beat down as he lingered there, trying to gather his thoughts. _Get it together. Chill out. You've done this a bunch of times. It's no big deal._ He took a deep breath and stepped out, drying off and getting dressed while trying to steel his nerves. 

His therapist smiled at him and greeted him as he stepped in and sat down in her office. "How are you today?" Emma asked.  
Sean hated this part. The awkward moments where he tried to put into words what he was feeling. He didn't feel like he was any good at it, and he made a face at her question. He put his head in his hands and sighed deeply.   
"Want to talk about it?" Emma prodded gently. Sean appreciated the inquiry, yet he felt reluctant to open his mouth. He sighed again and decided there was nothing to do but try.   
"Yesterday I was an ass," he started, not making eye contact. "I made my dad worry for nothing. I just know he's going to get sick of my crap and just...go off on me someday. Tell me how he really feels. But he keeps giving me all this..._help_ and _support_ and it makes me feel like I'm a....waste of space.  
"I keep trying to tell myself to just show up at school and see what happens. How hard can it be? Or put in a couple of hours at work. Piece of cake, right?" he stated sarcastically. "Yeah, right. Why would anything be _easy?"_ He closed his mouth, feeling he'd said all the wrong things.  
Emma asked, "What exactly was it that happened yesterday that worried your dad? I can tell you feel badly about it."  
Sean clenched his jaw. "It was stupid," he replied, looking away.   
Emma waited in silence.   
"I went for a bike ride...and didn't tell him where I was going. I ended up being gone over two hours and...he didn't know where I was. He was worried sick."  
"That's quite a long ride," Emma stated.   
"It was the first time I'd gotten back on the bike," Sean said quietly, glancing up at her briefly.   
"I don't even remember how I ended up at the park. I just got on and...went. I was too amped up being at home and I needed to get away from everything."  
"Perhaps it was more important than you think," Emma said. "This bike ride was a pretty big deal. It was the first time you've ridden that bike since you were abducted."   
Sean's gut clenched at hearing it spelled out so plainly.  
"I'm proud of you that you were able to get back on it," she went on. "That can't have been easy, and I imagine there were a lot of painful feelings involved."  
"I just...tried not to feel anything, to be honest," Sean said, not feeling like he should be congratulated for this.  
"What else is on your mind?" she prodded.  
Sean blew out a breath and was silent a moment. His mind was churning with many thoughts, and he tried to find one that would sum them all up. "I think..." he started, as he picked as his nails nervously, "I think it's that I feel so...guilty that I'm not doing all the things I should be doing."  
"What things?"  
"You know, going to school. Going to work. Getting my driver's license, for crying out loud. I was studying up for the test before....you know. All this. My friends are all going to school. Driving. Hanging out with each other. Doing all the things I should be doing."  
"What if, right now, there was no one expecting you to do anything? Just you, no one else around, no school to worry about or boss or even your dad. Just for a little while, none of those things mattered anymore. How would you feel?"  
Sean thought long and hard for a moment. "I think I would feel relieved, to be honest," he answered.   
"Remember that what you've been through was no small thing," she said. "It's impacted your life deeply. Give yourself more time to heal, and try not to expect to be fully recovered just yet. It's not a quick process, but it will happen, little by little. And don't forget the progress you've made already. Think back to how things were at the beginning of therapy. I can see you've done a lot of hard work."  
Sean nodded, as her words set him to thinking. They talked awhile longer until it was time for him to leave.

  
Late that evening, he retreated up to his bedroom. He still hadn't replied back to Rebecca, and he wanted to.  
He sat on the edge of his bed, opening her last message back to him.  
_It sounds like a tough decision about school. If you ever need to talk more about it, I'm here,_ her text said.  
He dragged his hand over his face. What should he say to _that?_ Of course, it would be nice to talk to a friend about this, but he wasn't sure how much to divulge. So he simply replied, _Thank you, Rebecca,_ powered off his phone, and went to bed.


	15. Reorganization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment he wavered in the upstairs hallway and silently cursed his dad for trying to make him socialize. But he found his feet making their way down the stairs, regardless.

Sean’s breath lodged somewhere in his throat. “Rebecca is coming? _Here_?” he squeaked.

“Yes, she’ll be joining us for dinner in about 15 minutes,” Dennis explained. “I felt that it might be good for you two to get to know one another better. You need a good friend,” he said gently, putting his hand on Sean’s shoulder. “I thought you might have too much time to think about it if I told you earlier, so I waited until just now. I hope that’s all right.”

_It’s absolutely not all right,_ Sean wanted to yell, but logic kicked in before he opened his mouth. His dad was right. He would have probably tried to back out if he had been told sooner that she was coming. He sighed deeply and answered, “Yeah, it’s okay,” without much conviction. “Good!” Dennis said with a smile. “Dinner is almost ready.” Sean’s eyes widened, and he rushed upstairs. Brushing his teeth hurriedly, he rolled on some deodorant, and grabbed a clean T-shirt. He ran a hand through his hair and hoped it was sufficient.

For a moment he wavered in the upstairs hallway and silently cursed his dad for trying to make him socialize. But he found his feet making their way down the stairs, regardless. As he stepped into the living room, the mix of confusing emotions churning in his gut left him teetering on the edge of panic when he heard a car in their driveway. He ducked back into the darkened stairwell. _This is stupid, this is stupid, this is stupid,_ was all he could think. He took some deep breaths and stepped back out, determined to act like an adult.

Dennis opened the front door and greeted Rebecca. Sean stepped towards them and greeted her tentatively. She smiled at him and said hello. His heart did a little flip, and he stepped back so she could enter. He was sure he was going to mess this up somehow.

Dennis took Rebecca’s coat and hung it up, then stepped into the kitchen. “I hope a roast sounds good to you,” he said brightly to Rebecca. Sean’s stomach rumbled loudly, eliciting a chuckle from their guest. Feeling slightly embarrassed, he ducked into the kitchen, grabbing a stack of plates and some silverware for the three of them. “Uh…can I get you something to drink?” he asked Rebecca as he set the table. “We have soda, juice, milk….coffee…” his voice trailed off. “I think I’ll just have water, please,” she said. “Okay,” he replied, grabbing some glasses. “Dad? How about you?” he asked his father, who was pulling the roast out of the oven. “Grab me a soda, would you?” Dennis answered. Sean moved to comply, then handed Rebecca her water as he sat down. “I promise I won’t spill it on you this time,” he whispered with a wry smile. Her hand came up to smother her giggle, and Sean felt himself relaxing a bit. Maybe this was going to be okay. Dennis brought out the roast, then served up their guest first. “Do you want some of the potatoes and carrots too?” he offered. “Yes, please,” she responded. Dennis filled Sean’s plate next, then helped himself.

As they ate, Dennis smoothly kept the conversation rolling, much to Sean’s relief. It felt too soon, though, when dinner was over, and Dennis had stepped into the kitchen to wash the dishes. Sean cast about for something to say or do. “Uh…want to turn on a movie or something?” he awkwardly asked. Rebecca nodded, and they both rose to settle in on the living room couch. “What kind of movies do you like?” he asked, flipping to the movie listings. “Why don’t you pick something?” she offered. “Just…no horror, please?” she added, with a half-smile. Feeling nervous, he chose an action film he’d already seen, hoping she would be okay with it.

As the opening credits started, Sean sat back against the cushions, letting out a quiet sigh. “Hey…thanks for having me over,” Rebecca said, looking over at him. He inwardly groaned. “Well…to be honest, it was my dad’s idea,” he admitted. “I’m glad you’re here, though.” He felt the truth of those words resonate in his heart. “Really glad,” he added, meaning it. “Thanks,” she replied, smiling. “I hope you didn’t mind me messaging you the other day.”

“Mind? No,” he said. “It was really nice of you.”

“I’m glad.” The movie was starting, but Rebecca held his gaze. “Did you decide what you want to do about school?” she asked, tentatively. Sean looked down, feeling like he’d had the wind knocked out of him. A nervous sigh punctuated his answer. “No. I’m sure I need to figure it out, quick, or I’ll be held back a year.”

“I’m sure it’s hard to make that choice,” she responded, sympathetically. “Is it because of what happened to you? Does that make it difficult?” she gently prodded, laying a hand on his arm. Sean wanted to cover his face with his hands. But he tried to muster up a reasonable response. “Yeah,” he started, and tried to keep back the memories starting to pop into his mind. “It happened…between school and work. I was on my bike.” he picked at his nails, worried that his hands might start shaking.

She nodded, her expression serious. “You probably wonder, what if it could happen again?” Sean nodded, his throat constricting. He swallowed and went on. “They already caught the guy. He’s in jail. I shouldn’t be worried…but when I think about going back, all those memories…they keep trying to come back up again. It’s something you never think could ever happen to you…but then it does, and you feel like, well, if that could happen, what else is out there? It’s so hard to even feel _safe_ anymore.”

“I think I understand,” she said. “It must change your perspective radically when the unthinkable happens.” Sean nodded, feeling relieved to be understood.

“Can you do school from home?” she asked. “Maybe they have online classes or something? Until you feel better about it.” Sean mentally kicked himself for not thinking of this. He would have to check and see if that was an option. “That’s a good idea. Thanks,” he said. “Sure,” she responded. Sean felt guilty for monopolizing the conversation. “I feel like I’ve only talked about my problems so far. Why don’t you tell me about yourself instead?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck. “Oh, well, what do you want to know?” she asked, her smile encouraging.

“Uh, well…do you have any brothers and sisters?”

“Yeah, I have a younger brother,” she answered. “My mom and dad both work, so I look out for my little brother after school till they get home. He’s probably old enough to stay home alone, but I like to put on all sorts of airs about how difficult he is to keep out of trouble. It drives him up the wall,” she giggled. “He makes sure to find ways to get me back, though, so I guess fair is fair.”

Sean chuckled. “Poor kid,” he smiled.

“Nah, Danny is tough, he can take it,” she laughed lightly. “How about you?” she asked. “Is it just you and your dad?” 

Sean felt a tiny tug of sadness. “Yeah. My mom left when I was a baby. I never knew her. Dad so far hasn’t remarried, but you know, maybe someday.” He shrugged.

“Sorry,” she said, looking apologetic.

“It’s okay. Do you guys have any pets?” he countered, changing the subject.

“Yeah, a dog and a cat. I’m a little partial to the cat, myself. He’s decided I belong to him, so he sleeps on my pillow every night. His name’s Rascal.” She rolled her eyes. “Every day he likes to remind me why I named him that.” 

Sean chuckled. “We used to have a cat when I was younger. She was really sweet. Super fat and fluffy, hah. She loved to beg for treats. Sometimes I miss her.”

“Maybe you could get another cat someday,” Rebecca responded. “Maybe,” he nodded.

They chatted lightly for awhile longer, then caught the end of the movie. After it was over, Sean asked if she wanted to stay for dessert. “My parents are coming for me around 9:30, so I can stay for a bit longer.” “Okay,” he answered, and they split the last of the chocolate eclairs from the fridge.

“Don’t tell my dad we ate these,” he whispered into her ear. “He’ll kill me later, but I’d like to put it off as long as possible.” Rebecca giggled and whispered back conspiratorially. “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” Her response took on a deeper meaning in his heart, and he smiled genuinely at his friend.


	16. Scars

Sean wasn't sure when his mood had begun to lighten. Things were looking up. He had a good friend who supported him, he had started online classes to continue his education, and his dad had been taking him out to begin practicing driving again. His confidence in himself was beginning to return. It felt good.  
All of these changes had been so gradual, that he hadn't realized just how well things were going until he hit a bump in the road. It started when he woke up feeling sore across his midsection, in the same area as the long scar which now decorated the surface of his skin. He'd tried to ignore his scars in the past, preferring not to even look at them, but this time he laid in bed, tracing a finger across the marks in remembrance.   
He figured the soreness was likely from helping his dad move all those boxes in the garage the day before. He wondered if his abdominal muscles were scarred, too---maybe that was why the heavy lifting had left him so disproportionately sore. The scars up until now hadn't been bothering him much. After they had healed, there had been the itching, which was ridiculously annoying. But all that had subsided, aside from the occasional pulling sensation when he stretched the wrong way. This soreness was too much like how it had felt when he had still been healing, and it was difficult to be faced with it again.   
Now, as he felt the familiar sensation of pain and took the time to really look at the scars that tracked across his belly, sadness welled up within. It was more like a bittersweet longing---a wish that things could have gone differently, that day. It felt like it had just happened yesterday, yet also a lifetime ago. Things were so different now.   
A few tears escaped his eyes as the memories again washed over him. He felt the anxiety of those painful moments. They were there, and they hurt. He wished he could go back and change the course of time, but he knew that was impossible.   
His hand instinctively reached for his phone. Rebecca's number was there, and he hesitated a moment before typing out a message to her.  
_Hi, Rebecca. I hope you're doing well today. Just having a bit of a rough day. Take care._  
_ Sean_  
He hit send and dragged a hand over his eyes. Easing out of bed, he headed for the bathroom, hoping a hot shower could dispel these feelings.   
Half an hour later, moving slowly, he made his way downstairs to get some breakfast. His father greeted him, offering Sean a smile as he readied himself for work. "How are you this morning, Bud?" Dennis asked. "Sore," Sean replied, as he rubbed his midsection, a small frown on his face. "From yesterday? Hmm, maybe you're a little out of shape, eh?" Dennis teased with a wink. "Yeah, maybe," Sean answered without conviction. He thought for a moment before deciding to confide in his dad.   
"I think it's my scars," he said, looking at Dennis seriously. "Oh, well, that's different," his dad replied, all humor gone. "It's really bothering you, huh? I'm sorry," he said, giving Sean a quick hug. Sean sighed. "Thanks, Dad," he said. "It just...feels a little too much like...before, you know?"   
"Ohhh, I think I understand," Dennis nodded. "How bad is it? Does it need looked at?" he asked with some concern. "I don't think so," Sean answered. "I don't think it's serious." He frowned, feeling unsure. "How about you let me know if it gets worse, huh?" Dennis put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "Sure, Dad, that sounds good." Sean smiled slightly, feeling some better about it. "I've got to get to work now," Dennis said, checking the time. "Give me a call if you need me," he reassured Sean. "Thanks, Dad, love you," he responded. "Love you too, Son." Dennis shut the door behind him.  
Sean watched the vehicle pull away, then grabbed some cereal and eased into a chair. He checked his phone and had a message waiting from Rebecca.   
_Sorry to hear you're having a rough day. Wanna talk about it? I can come by after my last class and we can chat._  
Sean smiled. He didn't want to impose on Rebecca, but it felt good to know she was there for him. He was about to decline, but something prodded him to accept her offer.   
_Thanks,_ he typed back. _I think that sounds good. We've got plenty of food here if you want to stay for dinner._  
_Sure, I'll see you around 2:30,_ she responded a few minutes later.  
Sean smiled, feeling lighter already. _See you then,_ he sent.

Later that day, Sean had completed his schoolwork online, and was just easing down onto the couch, when he heard a knock at his door. A small grunt escaped him, his muscles protesting as he stood and made his way to the door. Rebecca's smiling face on the other side of it caused an answering smile of his own.  
"Hi, Rebecca," he said as she stepped inside. "Hey, Sean," she responded. He took her coat and hung it up, and then turned and impulsively gave her a quick hug. Blushing slightly, he stepped back and absently rubbed his stomach. Rebecca's smile deepened, and she led the way into the living room. Sean followed her and they sat together on the couch.   
"Are you hungry?" he asked. "No, not yet," she replied. "Let's talk first, then eat. How does that sound?"  
"Okay, sure." Sean fidgeted, anxiety creeping in. "How were classes today?" he covered his nervousness with small talk. "Just fine," she responded. "We had a pop quiz in biology, but I think I did okay on it."   
"I'm sure you aced it," Sean nodded.   
"So what's up? You said you're having a rough day." Rebecca didn't waste any time getting to the point.   
Sean sighed and looked at his hands. "Yeah. I overdid it working with Dad yesterday, and now I'm really sore. It's...the scars that hurt."  
Rebecca nodded. "I'm sorry," she responded.  
"I feel silly for even letting it get to me. It's just sore muscles. But the hard part is that it feels so much like how it was when I was still healing. And even though those memories aren't as difficult to revisit as they used to be, it's still...painful." Rebecca tentatively took his hand. "I can imagine it is. But I'm glad you feel like you can talk about it. It's good to reach out when you're hurting."  
"Thank you," he said, giving her hand a squeeze. "I used to always avoid even looking at those scars. Sometimes just seeing them in the mirror was too much to handle. But today I felt like I wanted to look. I wanted to remember."  
"That sounds like a good thing," Rebecca said. "It sounds like you're making peace with what happened? At least a little bit." Sean nodded. "I think so, maybe a little."   
Rebecca looked uncertain for a moment, then asked hesitantly, "Do you...want to show me the scars? You don't have to, if you don't want to," she quickly added. Sean gulped, his face paling. "Uhh...I'm not sure," he stammered. Part of him felt like sharing it with her, but he felt incredibly self-conscious at the same time. She squeezed his hand. "It's okay if you don't want to." Sean blew out a breath. "It's not that I don't want to..." his voice trailed off, then he cleared his throat nervously. "I just...haven't really shown anyone before. I mean, my dad might have seen, in the hospital, but I don't know." He frowned. "I wasn't awake when he got there. My memory's really fuzzy for that part. I'm guessing I was already stitched up and bandaged when he saw me." Rebecca nodded, watching his face, her expression solemn.  
Sean knew he was rambling---and putting off the question. His mind raced. His heart pounded, but he steeled his nerves and took the plunge. Eyes averted, he slowly lifted his shirt, his hand shaking slightly.   
A soft gasp escaped Rebecca's lips, but she quickly apologized. "I'm sorry, it's just...imagining what this looked like, when it first happened, it's..." she subsided. She reached out tentatively and began to trace the longest scar with a feather-light touch, but Sean flinched away involuntarily. She quickly pulled her hand back, and he chanced a glance in her direction.  
When he saw tears glistening in her eyes, he swiftly pulled his shirt down and put his arms around her. "I'm sorry," he said, his breath catching. "I didn't mean to hurt you." She scoffed into his shoulder, her voice slightly muffled. "You were the one who was hurt, not me," she said, getting choked up. "It just makes it so much more real seeing the scars. That's all." Sean held his breath tightly, trying not to break into tears, himself. His shoulders shook slightly as he rasped, "Yeah. I know what you mean." Hearing her softly begin to cry made him lose his composure, and he held her closer as they both wept together for a few long moments. Rebecca recovered first, and sat rubbing Sean's back as his own tears subsided. He let out a shuddering sigh and she hugged him close before pulling back a bit.   
"I hope I didn't embarrass you by crying," she said, wiping her eyes. "I don't want you to feel like you need to be ashamed of your scars. I'm glad you felt you could share it with me. I wanted to understand what you were going through, where you've been. It means a lot to me."  
Sean wiped his face off on his sleeve. "Thank you. I'm..." he searched for words. "I'm really glad to have you here with me. It means a lot to me, too."   
Rebecca squeezed his hand, and then stood. "I just need to go fix my face up a bit. I'll be right back," she sniffed and threw a smile back at him while she stepped towards the bathroom.   
Sean headed into the kitchen, and splashed his face with some cold water in the sink. He was drying off with a towel as he thought about what to make for a meal.   
Rebecca stepped into the kitchen a few minutes later. "You getting hungry?" he asked her. "Definitely," she nodded. "What about some fried chicken?" he suggested. "That sounds wonderful. I'll help," she responded brightly. "Thanks," he smiled. "Want to grab the chicken out of the fridge while I get the spices out?"   
"Yes, sir!" Rebecca saluted smartly with a giggle. Sean couldn't hold back a snicker, and they both dissolved into laughter. 


	17. Connection

Sean was feeling restless. He wanted to do new things, reach further, do more.   
Since showing Rebecca his scars, he felt that their friendship had grown even closer. She had a way of making him laugh, and she helped him feel supported when he was down or when old memories tried to get the best of him.   
He was starting to feel confident in his driving skills--- his dad had been suggesting he give the test a try, and he felt that it was within his reach--- he'd try it soon.   
Outside, summer break was only a couple of months away, and he finally felt like his heart was thawing. He was going to be ok. He was going to make it. He wasn't trapped in his pain anymore. He was gaining freedom in his head and in his heart, and he just knew--- he was going to make it.

\----------------------------------------------------

Sean and Rebecca were just leaving a movie theater on a Saturday afternoon, laughing and chatting, when Sean's phone rang in his pocket. He hadn't heard from his friend Jonathan in a bit, so he was surprised and pleased to see his name on the display. "Hey!" he answered, mouthing "Jonathan" at Rebecca's inquiring gaze. Rebecca fell into step with Sean's relaxed gait as they headed back to their bikes, but paused when he abruptly stopped in his tracks. "In two weeks?" she heard him say, his voice not sounding quite right. "It sounds like fun. Let me just check my calendar and I'll let you know," he responded, then said his goodbyes and hung up.   
Sean stuck his phone in his pocket, then began walking quickly over to the bike rack. Swiftly unlocking his bike, he nearly jumped onto it and pedaled off. His hand stilled, however, when his awareness zeroed in on Rebecca's gentle touch on his arm. "Is everything okay?" she asked. Sean groaned and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry," he replied after a moment, not immediately explaining himself. He looked around, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "Do you mind if we talk back at your place?" he asked her. "Sure, no problem," she was quick to respond, reaching down to unlock her own bike.   
Sean remained quiet as they pedaled back to Rebecca's house. He felt guilty for nearly running off and leaving her.   
As they arrived at her place, they both wheeled their bikes into Rebecca's garage. She quietly led the way into the house.   
By this time Sean was used to the bustle of activity that met him every time he stepped into her home. In the kitchen, her parents enthusiastically greeted both of them. Warm earth tones infused the room with a cozy feeling, and a few hanging plants punctuated the cheerful decor. The family dog, a golden retriever, had ceased his loud barking to lick anyone's hand that was accessible. Down the hall, both music and video game sound effects emanated from her younger brother's bedroom doorway.  
"Hi, Mom, hi, Dad!" Rebecca smiled, hugging each of them.  
"How was the movie?" Rebecca's dad, Robert, asked.  
"It was great! We loved it," she answered with a smile.   
Sean hung back, his smile slightly forced. He liked Rebecca's parents a lot, but his mind was elsewhere.   
"You're welcome to stay for dinner of course, Sean," her mom said, moving to include him in a hug.   
"Thanks, Mrs. Summers," he replied, feeling a little awkward.   
"Come now, we know each other better than that. Just call me Bonnie," she said.   
"I'll try," Sean answered, smiling sheepishly.  
"We'll be in my room, Mom," Rebecca said as she started towards the hallway. Sean followed.  
"Hey, Danny!" Rebecca called into her brother's doorway as they strode past it.   
"Hey Sis!" he hollered back, sounding a bit distracted.   
Rebecca chuckled as she led the way into her room, and moved to close the door. "Sorry," she apologized with a smile. "I know you wanted a quiet place to talk, and my place isn't always so quiet."   
"That's all right," Sean quickly reassured her. "Your family is really nice. Sometimes it's a little _too_ quiet at my house."   
Rebecca sat on her bed next to her sleeping cat, Rascal. He awakened, looking perturbed at the disturbance, but was mollified easily as she absently stroked his fur.  
Sean chose the chair at her desk to sit in. Guilt chipped at him as he chose his words. "I'm sorry if I ruined the mood after all the fun we had," he started in.  
"You didn't ruin anything," Rebecca replied calmly.  
Sean sighed, looking away. "Jonathan was the one who called me, outside the theater." Rebecca nodded.  
"Well, see---and this is the stupid part. All he wanted was to invite me to a pool party he's having in two weeks," he continued. Rebecca frowned momentarily. "Is that bad?" she asked, unsure why this would be upsetting.   
"Yes---no---I mean, it shouldn't be. It should be fine. It should be great!" he threw his hands up in the air, suddenly feeling intense frustration. "It's just me and my stupid hangups that get in the way."   
"Hey, it's not stupid, okay? You've got to cut yourself a little more slack than that," Rebecca countered, shaking a finger in his direction.   
"Thanks. It's just so frustrating when something so simple becomes this big deal." Sean sighed and ran a hand roughly through his hair.   
"So...what makes it a big deal?" Rebecca prodded, stroking Rascal's ear while his purring increased in volume.  
Sean averted his gaze, picking up a painted rock from Rebecca's desktop. He ran his thumb across the smooth surface as he quietly said, "My scars."   
Suddenly it all made perfect sense to Rebecca. "I understand now," she said, just as quietly. "What do you want to do? Do you want to go?"  
"Well, yeah, I'd love to go. I just don't know how I'm going to...handle what people might say if they notice." His jaw tensed as he closed his hand in a fist around the rock, clenching his fingers tightly.  
"What if you just kept a T-shirt on?" Rebecca asked.  
"I thought about that. I just wonder if that would look weird? Especially in the pool," Sean thought, his brows furrowed.   
"I don't know," Rebecca hummed in thought. "I wonder if maybe... _maybe,_ you need to feel more at ease with your scars yourself? You could even show your dad, and see what he thinks about it?"   
Sean sucked in a breath. He hadn't thought about that. "I think I don't want to show my dad, because it feels like it would hurt him too much to see," he said sadly. "And I've hurt him enough already as it is."  
Rebecca stood and crossed the room to place a hand on Sean's shoulder. "You didn't hurt him," she insisted. "You _being _hurt...made him hurt for you. It wasn't your doing."   
Sean stood and held Rebecca tightly. "Thank you," he whispered. "You're welcome," she replied, just as softly, hugging him back. She gently laid one hand over his midsection, and said, "You're gonna be okay."  
The warmth of her hand felt like it was melting his uncertainties and doubts. Sean had never felt this close to someone before. His heart pounding, he leaned in to press a soft kiss to Rebecca's temple. "Thank you for always supporting me," he said simply, pulling back slightly to gaze at her face. "Of course. And I always will," she responded, and her eyes held a warmth and sparkle that he couldn't look away from. Feeling hopelessly drawn in by his awareness of her, he slowly angled his mouth towards hers, hit by a jolt of surprise and pleasure when she closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to his. The kiss deepened and she wrapped both arms around him.   
They were both a little breathless when they broke apart, and Sean felt almost giddy. He smiled and Rebecca giggled a little. "That was fun," she said, and reached up to tickle him briefly. He laughed and gave her one more quick hug. He was going to hold onto this moment as long as it lasted. 


	18. Supported

A pair of arms gently encircled him. Soft, comforting words were whispered in his ear. These things kept Sean grounded while his heart beat rapidly in his chest.  
Today was the pool party, just a few hours away, and Sean was in his room at home, with Rebecca. He knew logically that it was probably going to be just fine. That he was worrying for nothing. But his PTSD whispered otherwise. A chilling sensation of fear, and a connection to painful memories that still beat in his chest, defied all attempts at logic.  
"Hey," Rebecca said softly near his left ear, her arms still around him. "I'm here. It's going to be okay." Sean took a long breath. "I know. Thanks. I'm glad you're with me." He brought his arms up to embrace her, too. It felt good to hold and be held.  
"Let me try something, and see how you feel about it, okay?" Rebecca suggested. "Okay," Sean said, feeling prickles of doubt at her words, but trusting her not to steer him wrong.  
Rebecca slowly brought one hand between them, and gently slid it under his shirt to touch the scars across his midsection. Sean sucked in a shallow breath. Her fingers felt pleasant on his skin, yet at the same time, being touched awakened fragments of memories that he wished could stay buried. He tried to push away the faint whisper of panic that edged into the periphery of his consciousness.  
Rebecca started to hum a low, soothing melody near his ear as she gently traced the scars. "Is this okay?" she asked in a whisper. Sean nodded, leaning his head into her shoulder with a shuddering sigh. She kept humming and tracing slowly, back and forth, as the minutes ticked by. Slowly, Sean's breathing evened out, and the tension left his body bit by bit as his head got heavier on her shoulder. "Why don't you lay back?" she suggested, and Sean complied, the anxiety draining away to leave exhaustion in its wake. She kept humming as he lay on his back, his shirt lifted, with her fingers still tracing the scars. When she saw he'd dropped off to sleep, she slowly pulled his shirt back down, then covered him with a blanket, leaving a soft kiss on his temple.  
Stepping lightly down the stairs, she joined Dennis at the dining room table.  
"Hi, Rebecca," he smiled at her. "Where's Sean?" he asked, eyebrows raised questioningly. "He fell asleep," she answered. "I think all the nerves from this upcoming party were wearing him out. There should be plenty of time for him to take a little rest before we have to go."  
"Ohh, I see," Dennis replied. "I'm glad he's feeling more relaxed. You always seem to know how to help when his anxiety is running high." Rebecca smiled. "He's special to me," she replied simply.  
Dennis grinned, pleased this young lady was in his son's life. "I hope you know how happy it makes me to see you two together." Rebecca blushed lightly. "Thank you, Mr. Reynolds." Dennis stood and strode into the kitchen to wash the dishes. "Help yourself to the fridge if you get hungry," he called. "I will, thanks," she responded.

Rebecca slipped back up to Sean's room about an hour later, and sat on the floor next to his bed. For a little while, she just watched him sleep, then spent a little time quietly on her phone, messaging her friend, Angela. Sean began to stir slightly, his eyes still closed, and a frown creased his features in his sleep. Rebecca reached up to caress his face, and he sucked in a breath, eyes popping open, looking startled momentarily before realizing where he was and who was with him. He relaxed when he saw Rebecca's face, and felt her hand on his cheek. He brought a hand up to squeeze hers, smiling sleepily. "Hi," he said in a low voice, still feeling a little fuzzy. "Hey," she answered, smiling back. "Did you have a good sleep?"  
"I think so, but at the same time, you're awfully nice to wake up to," he said. Rebecca chuckled softly. Sean leaned his head closer to hers, and kissed her slowly, one hand coming up to cup the back of her neck. He felt like he couldn't get enough of these moments with her. She twined her fingers in his hair, and he felt like his heart was going to leave orbit. Suddenly he broke away, asking breathlessly, "What time is it? Do we need to leave?"  
"Pretty soon," she answered. "Maybe 15 or 20 minutes."  
"Uh--" he suddenly felt all the nervousness bubbling back up. "Yeah... just... give me five minutes. I'm going to change, and then I'll meet you downstairs." He hopped up off the bed. Rebecca nodded, gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and left the room.  
Sean shut the door, changed into his swim shorts and a T-shirt, and grabbed a towel from the hall, stuffing it in his backpack. He nearly ran down the stairs in his haste.  
"Whoa there. You've still got a few minutes. Why don't you have a quick bite to eat?" his dad suggested as he joined them in the living room.  
Sean looked towards the kitchen, feeling too frazzled to think about food. "I think I'll wait on that," he answered. "I don't feel hungry."  
Rebecca stood, stepped into the kitchen, and returned. "Here, just have a little something." She set a can of cashews in his hands. "I don't think you've eaten much today."  
Sean grinned and ducked his head, scooping up a handful. "All right, you guys win. I admit defeat."  
The minutes dragged by excruciatingly slow, yet Sean still didn't feel prepared for it when it came time to leave. He jumped up from the couch and made for the door. Rebecca grabbed her bag and followed quickly behind him, exchanging a meaningful glance with Dennis. They all got in the SUV, and headed towards the community pool about 20 miles away. The sun shone brightly, warming the interior of the car. Dennis rolled the windows down to let the breeze cool them.  
Sean fidgeted, checking his watch, and looking out the window as if to check their location. Rebecca took his hand. "Hey," she said, putting her other hand on his face. "It's going to be okay, all right? I'll be right here with you. And we can leave anytime if you feel like you need to."  
"Okay," he answered, blowing out a breath. He looked down at his feet. "It's just... I'm just..." he sighed.  
"You don't have to explain. I know this is hard for you. It's okay." She squeezed his hand.  
"I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could be better...for you."  
"I like you just the way you are, Sean. I don't need you to change. All I want is you, here with me, right now."  
"Okay. I can do that. That's about all I can do," he chuckled self-consciously.  
"That's all I ask," she smiled. "Just be here, be with me, and it's okay if things don't go the way you hope. Even if they go terribly---which I doubt they will---I'll still be here."  
"Thank you," he sighed.


	19. The Plunge

Dennis pulled up to a stop in front of the community pool that had been rented out for the occasion. "What time do you want me to come back for you two?" he asked. Rebecca answered for them. "How about we just call you when we're ready?"  
"Sounds good," he responded. Sean stepped out onto the sidewalk, and Rebecca climbed out to stand next to him. She took his hand and nodded to Dennis, who waved and pulled away from the curb. Turning to Sean, she gave him a lingering hug. "You can choose how you want this to go today, okay? If you want to just leave your shirt on, you can. If you want to swim, swim; if not, then don't. Don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready for." Her words gave him a measure of calm, and he nodded, holding her close, inclining his head to breathe in her sweetness for just a moment. Stepping back, he took her hand and together, they strode through the entrance, the sun warming their backs. Shouts of laughter and background chatter reached their ears from the poolside. Sean spotted Jonathan near the pool and headed in his direction.  
"Hey, you made it!" Jonathan called, seeing the pair headed his way. His wet hair glistened in the sunlight. "Whoa now, when did _this_ happen?" he teased, gesturing to Sean and Rebecca's joined hands. "You two look like you've gotten a little closer since we last saw each other," he winked. Sean looked uncomfortably at Rebecca, and she smiled at him, her cheeks slightly pink. Sean cleared his throat. "Yeah, I guess we have," he grinned sheepishly at his friend. Jonathan just laughed. "Aw, I'm just giving you a hard time. I'm happy for you guys." He pointed over to a nearby table. "There are drinks and snacks in that direction, if you get hungry. Have fun!" Taking a running leap for the pool, he yelled, "Cannonball!" Shouts and shrieks erupted around him as the spray soaked those nearby.  
Rebecca spotted her friend Angela, and headed her direction, with Sean in tow. "Hey, Becca!" Angela enthused when she spotted the couple, waving them over. "Hi, Sean," she greeted him, as well. "Hi, Angela," he responded. "How are you?" Rebecca smiled, and the two began chatting animatedly. Sean decided to wander over to the snack table and grabbed a soda, some chips, and veggies. His stomach growled in anticipation. Finding a nearby lounge chair, he stretched out to watch the pool activities and munch on the snacks. The teens had set up a volleyball net across the shallower end of the pool, and Sean found himself wishing he could join in. He felt conflicted, though, and remained seated, finishing his plate and draining the rest of his soda. He stood and tossed the can and plate into the trash, and strode over to Rebecca to take her hand. "No way, I can't believe you actually said that," she remarked to Angela.  
"Oh you bet I did! He should know better than to treat me like that. That will show him, the rat," Angela said with a wry smile.  
"Come on now, you've got to make peace with your poor brother. You're stuck with him a few more years until he leaves for college, after all," Rebecca chuckled.  
"I know, but it's not like I'm going to make it easy on him. You know that!" she laughed. Rebecca laughed with her, squeezing Sean's hand. She told Angela, "I think I might grab something to drink. Do you want anything?"  
"Oh I'm good, thanks. You going to get in the water? I think I might head that direction." Angela ran a hand through her blonde hair. "Maybe," Rebecca smiled. "Have fun!" She moved towards the drinks, selecting a fruity sparkling water. "How are you doing?" she asked Sean, looking into his eyes. He felt like he could melt into her gaze. "Uh, pretty well, actually," he responded. "I was watching the volleyball game. I almost feel like I want to go join in." Rebecca watched his face, taking a sip of her drink. "You know I'm happy to join you, if you want me," she said. "Oh I definitely want you on my team," he smiled, feeling his heart rate accelerate, both in excitement and anxiety. She gave him a light punch on the arm and winked. "That's only because you know I'm serious competition if I play for the other team." He chuckled nervously, and linked his arm in hers. "Oh, I have no doubts of that whatsoever," he assented. "Do you need to head back to the locker rooms to change?"  
"Yes," she replied, "But I should only be a minute. I'll be back out in a jiffy."  
"Okay," he answered. As she strode off, he wondered if he was making a big mistake. He wasn't sure yet if he wanted to expose his scars. Yet, he knew he needed to push through and get this over with. Maybe it would help make it easier to build his friendships back up if he didn't have this secret hanging between them and him. He sat on the edge of a chair, took off his backpack, took out his towel, and slipped off his shoes and socks, stuffing them into the pack. Rebecca strode back towards him, now in a royal blue swimsuit with white dots. Sean stood and took her hand, feeling swamped by conflicting emotions. She stepped near and took his other hand. "Do you want to keep your shirt on, or take it off?" she asked softly. His answer seemed to stick in his throat, but he turned away from the activity at the pool and stripped his shirt off quickly, before he could think about it anymore. He stood for a long moment with his heard pounding, trying to remember to breathe. Rebecca rubbed his back with one hand. "You okay?" she asked, gently. He nodded slowly, glad she was still there. Forcing air into his lungs, he turned back, taking her hand again. "Let's just do this, I guess," he said to her, and stepped towards the pool, his gut churning.  
As they approached, the teens seemed too caught up in their game to notice, and Sean felt inordinately relieved as he stepped into the water, glad it would obscure most of his scars for the time being. Rebecca got in next to him, giving him a little splash and smiling. She leaned close and whispered, "You did it."  
"I guess so," he replied, a semblance of a smile beginning to form. "What do we do now?" he felt a little uncertain. "Want to do a few laps in the deep end to warm up?" she suggested. "Sure," Sean responded, following her lead. They ducked around the outer edge of the volleyball net and headed for deeper water. A little while later, after they had both swam laps for a bit, Rebecca asked if Sean still wanted to play volleyball. "I'd like to, but...I don't know," he sighed as they clung to the edge of the pool, treading water.  
"Well, it looks like this game is coming to an end. Let's see if they'll play another, and we can try to team up together?" she said, trying to help support him in whatever he wanted to do. "It should be okay, the water seems deep enough there that you shouldn't have to worry, I think."  
"Yeah, you're right, I see that," he nodded, and started making his way back over towards the game, looking back to make sure Rebecca was following. As they drew near, the cheers from the team who was winning were competing with the shouts from some of those spectating. The game concluded with lots of noisy celebrations from the winners. Jonathan was on the losing team, and he booed loudly, but still came over to clap some of his friends on the back and congratulate them.  
Another game started to get underway, and Sean and Rebecca scooted into the lineup to pick teams. Sean felt more than a little disappointed when Rebecca got picked for the opposing team, but he tried not to show it. As he got into position and the game began, Sean felt his anxieties melting away as the afternoon progressed. He watched Jonathan leap for the volleyball as it headed in his direction. He missed spectacularly, landing in the water with a splash, his friends erupting in laughter as he came up sputtering._ Jonathan never does anything halfway, that's for sure,_ Sean thought as he chuckled. He spotted Angela sitting at the edge of the pool, her feet dangling in the water, cheering and laughing at Jonathan's antics.  
Sean felt great being able to participate in the fun, but Rebecca's team was in it to win. He wasn't sure who would come out ahead, but it was fun watching her, and how much she was obviously enjoying herself. She glanced his direction, and he gave her a thumbs up.  
Finally the game came to a close, with Sean's team taking the win. He felt surprised and pleased, and laughed at Jonathan strutting around like a peacock at being on the winning team. Jonathan strode through the water over to Angela, scooping her up, and depositing her in with a splash, as her shriek pierced the air. "You can't have fun if you're only going to get your feet wet!" he guffawed, as Angela came up swinging, dashing a huge spray of water right into his face. Rebecca came over to Sean, laughing at the two of them, and gave Sean a hug. He chuckled. "I'd almost swear those two were brother and sister, if I didn't know better," "Hmm, I hear you there," Rebecca giggled. "Honestly though, I think Jonathan's a little sweet on her, and that might be why he loves to pester her so much."  
"Really?" This surprised Sean, but now that he thought about it, it made total sense. "How did I miss that?" he wondered.  
"It doesn't look like she minds too much," Rebecca chuckled, as Angela began laughing and lunged towards Jonathan, who was sputtering and coughing. She pounded on his back, trying to help dislodge whatever water he had inhaled. "I think he's going to be just fine, now that Angela is taking care of him," Rebecca laughed, and Sean joined her, snickering at his two friends. Jonathan seemed none the worse for wear, and spun around to tickle Angela, who squealed and splashed away from him.  
Sean sighed deeply, feeling a little weary from all the excitement. "I think I'm ready to get out and relax a little. What do you think?" he asked his friend. "That sounds fine to me," Rebecca said. They climbed out of the pool, Sean reaching quickly for his towel. Rebecca toweled off her hair, and then wrapped the towel around herself. They reclaimed a lounge chair and Sean scooted to one edge to make room for her. Settling in together, he put one arm around her. A contented sigh left her as she put her head on his shoulder. He turned and pressed a kiss onto her damp hair. His eyes closed for a few moments as he leaned his head against hers. The sun felt warm and he found himself dozing off.  
Rebecca shifted next to him, and he startled awake. "Whoa, sorry I fell asleep on you," he said. "That's okay, I think I might have snoozed a bit, too," she answered with a yawn. "You're so warm and cozy." Sean smiled and held her a little closer. "So are you." Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Angela and Jonathan heading their way. He inhaled sharply and looked down to make sure his towel still covered his scars. "Hey you two," Jonathan called, his arm over Angela's shoulder. "Things are wrapping up here, and we wanted to see if you want to join us at my house for dinner. We're starving!" Angela giggled. Sean glanced at Rebecca with his eyebrows up. She nodded at him. "Sure," he responded. "Would it work if we rode with you guys?"  
"No problem, we've got room!" Jonathan said. "Okay," Sean answered. "Are you leaving now?"  
"Yep, if you're ready," his friend replied. "Sure," Sean lied, feeling anything but as he reached for his backpack. Next to him, Rebecca pulled her shorts on over her suit and rolled her towel up. Seeing no other option, Sean grabbed his shirt and shoes out, and shrugged into the T-shirt as quickly as he could, stashing his towel in his bag. A low whistle came from Jonathan's mouth. "Those are some pretty gnarly scars there, dude," he commented. "When did _that_ happen?" Sean froze. His face reddened as he tied his shoes. Trying to come up with a simple answer, he opened his mouth, but closed it again. "Maybe we could talk about it in the car," he said quietly, looking around nervously. Rebecca came over to hold his hand as he stood. "Sure," Jonathan answered, looking surprised but agreeable. "We're over this way," he said, jerking a thumb towards the parking lot. The four friends walked in silence to the waiting car. On the way, Sean texted his dad to let him know where they were headed.

His heart pounded as they climbed into the backseat of the vehicle. Rebecca slid in next to him, and they fastened their seat belts. Jonathan adjusted the rear-view mirror and started the car, and Angela buckled up next to him in the passenger's seat. "So...what happened?" Jonathan prompted, his gaze colliding with Sean's in the mirror as he pulled away from the lot. Other vehicles were leaving as well as the pool began to close. Rebecca gave Sean's hand an encouraging squeeze and leaned her shoulder against his. He swallowed hard. He wanted to talk about this, but it was still difficult._ It's just Jonathan and Angela,_ he reminded himself. He cleared his throat. "Well...do you remember about 8 months ago, when I dropped out of school?" Jonathan nodded as he navigated traffic. "Sure...I always wondered what happened," he answered.  
Sean gulped. "What happened was...um...I got kidnapped." It sounded so strange coming out of his mouth. Jonathan's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. _"What?!"_ he exclaimed. He looked back at Sean briefly before returning his eyes to the road. Angela gasped audibly and turned in her seat to look back. "Yeah..." Sean said, not sure what to say next. "I have so many questions," Jonathan said, still looking somewhat flabbergasted. "Like what?" Rebecca answered this time, when Sean remained silent.  
"Like... how long were you there...where were you taken? Did your dad get you out? Why have you been out of school so long? And... how badly were you hurt? Jeez, that must have been horrible," Jonathan went on.  
Sean felt mild panic at all the questions. He didn't know which one to answer first, and the intensity of the moment made him feel like it was hard to breathe. Rebecca put her hand on his chest and whispered softly in his ear, "It's okay. Just take a deep breath. You don't have to answer right now if you're not ready." Sean nodded, breathing deeply and exhaling slowly. Jonathan cast a worried glance at him from the front seat. "I'm sorry, man," he said apologetically. "It's okay," Sean said. He tried to think of how to answer. "I don't know where I was taken. I got knocked out on my way to work after school had let out. I was.... tortured..." he choked a little on the word and squeezed his eyes shut. "The police found me late that evening. I woke up in the hospital---my dad was there. I had a lot of stitches." Angela's hand came up over her mouth. Jonathan's jaw worked as he came to a stop in front of his house. He turned off the ignition, but didn't make any move to get out.  
Silence descended momentarily. Sean felt like he'd just dropped a bomb on everyone.  
"I am so, so sorry," Angela finally said softly, looking Sean in the eyes. Jonathan unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face Sean. _"God._ I don't even know what to say." He rubbed at the side of his face absently with one hand. "That sounds horrifying."  
"Yeah," Sean answered quietly, feeling his heart sink. He didn't want to spoil everyone's fun. "Sorry to kill the mood."  
"What?! No, it's fine!" Jonathan said. "Do you still want to come in?" he inclined his head towards the house. "Sure," Sean said quietly. Rebecca unbuckled and they both climbed out together. She kept a tight hold on his hand. Sean's insides felt wobbly, and he was glad for Rebecca's firm grip. It felt like it was helping him stay in one piece. He wasn't so sure about eating dinner now, but he followed her inside.  
The four were quiet as they stepped in the house. Jonathan ducked up the stairs for a moment to greet his mother. He came back down. "My mom already ate, but she said to help ourselves to whatever we're hungry for," he said. He popped open the freezer. "How about some chicken wings?" Rebecca and Angela agreed readily. Sean wasn't sure he would eat, but he nodded anyway, not wanting to be a bother. He sat at the table, and Rebecca came behind his chair to rub his back with one hand.  
Jonathan arranged the frozen wings on a baking pan, and turned the oven on. Angela grabbed some plates down from the cupboard, setting them on the table. Rebecca sat down next to Sean. He took her offered hand gratefully. Jonathan slid the pan into the oven, setting the timer, and then sat down opposite Sean at the table. Angela took the seat next to him.  
"So..." Jonathan started. Sean kept his head down. "That's pretty wild," Jonathan continued. "I mean, it's kind of the last thing I expected to hear. You know?"  
"Yeah," Sean answered, glancing up briefly. "So now you know why I dropped out of school."  
"Right," Jonathan answered. "But what I don't get is why you didn't come back? I mean, after you had time to recover?" At this, Sean made a face, unsure if he was fully able to articulate an answer. He hesitated long enough that Rebecca jumped in. "Well, if you think about it," she told Jonathan, "It might be hard to revisit the usual routes you took when something like that happened to you. Lots of memories would be attached to it."  
"Oh, okay, I think I get it," Jonathan said. Angela nodded. "I do school from home, now," Sean said quietly, not looking up. "That makes sense," Angela agreed.  
Rebecca decided to steer the conversation in a different direction. "Great job on the game today," she smiled at Jonathan. "That was a lot of fun."  
Sean breathed a quiet sigh of relief as his friends began chatting about other topics. Then the wings came out of the oven, and he found his appetite had reasserted itself with a vengeance.  
They split the wings between themselves, Jonathan grabbing some drinks for everyone. "Ooooh, lookie what I found here," he grinned, pulling some cookie dough out of the refrigerator. Angela clapped her hands together. "Yum!" Rebecca looked expectantly at the package. "So the big question is, do we wait and bake them, or just demolish this package here and now?" She giggled. They all agreed that baking it would take too long, and portioned out the dough between the four of them. "Hope my mom didn't need these for anything important," Jonathan chuckled.

Later that evening, Sean said goodbye to Rebecca in her garage as his dad waited in the vehicle outside. Holding her close, he sighed deeply. "I don't think I've ever been so exhausted in my life. Thank you for helping me get through today." Rebecca caressed his hair, smiling. "You faced a lot of fears today. It's no wonder you're worn out. I'm glad you were able to go and have fun, and I hope you're proud of yourself for everything you accomplished."  
"I think once I get some rest, I'll have some energy leftover to feel proud," he said with a half-smile. "I'm just relieved today is over. But I'm so glad you were part of it. I couldn't have gotten through it without you."


	20. Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sean and Rebecca were lying together quietly in Rebecca's room. It was quiet all around, and her door was locked this time. Sean desperately wanted to be more intimate with Rebecca, but cold dread warred with desire. Heart racing, he tried to quiet the nagging voice of fear as he lay next to the person he felt the most at home with in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up for smut/NSFW content. If that’s not your thing, you can safely omit this chapter without missing anything too important. :)

Sean and Rebecca were lying quietly together in Rebecca's room. It was quiet all around, and her door was locked this time. Sean desperately wanted to be more intimate with Rebecca, but cold dread warred with desire. Heart racing, he tried to quiet the nagging voice of fear as he lay next to the person he felt the most at home with in the world.   
As they lay together, fully clothed, Sean could feel Rebecca's calm and ease. Hands intertwined, they cuddled together, and she pressed a light kiss to Sean's cheek. Her lips sought out his tenderly, and slowly he responded in kind, angling his head towards hers as their kiss deepened. She began combing her fingers through his hair, and Sean felt his insides start to melt. Wrapping his arms around her, he suddenly felt like he couldn't get enough of this feeling. Trailing kisses down her jawline into her neck, he whispered, "I love you," desperate to share these feelings coursing through his heart and body. "I love you, too, Sean," she whispered back, cupping the side of his face with one hand.   
Heart pounding, he kissed her hungrily, his tongue seeking out hers, his body subtly moving towards hers of its own volition. She responded in kind, her arms pulling him towards her as her breathing became shallower. He longed to touch her in places he had never dared before. His body ached in ways that kissing alone couldn't satisfy. Heart pounding, he felt a frisson of fear as he envisioned taking this further than they ever had. Anxiety poured icewater onto the fire in his veins, and he subsided, panting, next to her.   
Rebecca placed a warm hand on his chest. "Hey," she softly called to him. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"  
Sean covered his face with both hands and sighed deeply. "Just...ugh...I'm sorry. I want to be here---with you---like this, but it's...hard for me. I love you, but..." he groaned, overcome by shame. "I still feel...scared." His hands muffled the words as he curled away from her, beginning to shake slightly.   
"Hey, hey, it's okay," she coaxed gently. "I understand. Please, don't feel bad about it. We can stop right here if you want to."   
"That's just it!" he burst out, frustration infusing his words. "I _don't_ want to. Not really. I don't know why this is so hard for me."   
"I think I understand why," Rebecca responded softly. "Someone hurt you in a very personal way, and I imagine that could make it hard for you to relax when we get close like this." Sean stared at her for a moment. "I guess you're right. But...what do I do? How...can we...?" He couldn't finish the question as embarrassment froze the words in his throat.   
"How about we just go really slow, and see how you feel?"   
"But---" he protested. "That's not fair to you. You've been having to go slow with me from day one. I just...hate that about me, the part of me that's always scared."   
"I love every part of you, Sean. I just hope you can begin to trust me on that. I'm not frustrated with you or with taking it slow. I love getting to know you, and if that means taking a month, six months, or longer to get to the next step, I'm okay with that," she smiled. "I'm okay with _you_. I see your heart, and I like what I see."   
Tears welled up in Sean's eyes. "But how can you love the parts of me that are so...broken?" he choked on the word, a sob rising in his throat. Rebecca pulled him firmly to her, wrapping her arms around him tightly as he clung to her. "Broken or not, you're wonderful to me. I see you, and how hard you've been fighting. How much you've had to overcome, and you've never given up! You're so strong---you just can't see it clearly yet," she whispered fervently in his ear, pressing her cheek to his.   
Sean breathed in her scent, letting his tears fall into her hair, feeling the truth of her words slowly seeping into his heart. Maybe he was expecting too much from himself. Maybe this was okay after all. Maybe--maybe he should trust her with his shortcomings as well as his victories.  
He shuddered a sigh into her neck as his tears subsided, whispering, "Thank you."   
"Always," she whispered back, her love evident to him in her voice, her fervor, her embrace.   
Holding to him tightly, she left slow, lingering kisses on his cheek, his ear, down his neck, and across his collarbone. He felt the warmth from her lips began to spread and heat his body from the inside out. His breath heaving, he captured her mouth in his, a hand coming up to cup the back of her neck. She kissed him back with obvious desire, her breath fanning his cheek when his lips released hers. "I love you," he said again, hoarsely. "I love you too," she responded, pulling him close and pressing her forehead to his. With uneven breaths, he inhaled her warmth, as indecision gave him pause. She paused with him, giving him time to calm his racing heart. Tracing his lips with a finger, she held his chin as she kissed him slowly, languidly, drawing out the moment as his body seemed to both ignite and melt simultaneously. Tentatively, he asked, "Is this okay?" as he slowly, hesitantly began to pull her shirt hem free from her jeans. She nodded eagerly, but he stopped, unable to continue, as his hands began to shake. "It's all right," she soothed, as she instead slid her hand under his shirt, once again tracing his scars, beginning to hum softly as she did. Sean's breath slowed, a soft sigh escaping him as the melodic sound filled his conciousness. Her fingers continued to trace the scars as he relaxed into it, breathing deeply. The humming continued as her hand reached upward to feel his chest, causing his breathing to quicken again. She slowly slid his shirt upward, helping him free himself from it. He panted a bit, eyes averted as she now had a full view of his scarred torso.   
Sitting up, she went back to tracing his scars, pausing to press a kiss slowly and lovingly into his abdomen. Her lips on his skin sparked an inadvertent shudder throughout his frame. He closed his eyes tightly. "I wish..." he whispered, then stopped. After a pause, she asked softly, "Do you want to keep going?" as her fingers moved across his belly. He nodded, not trusting his voice. He brought one hand up to cover his eyes, unable to look as she slowly began to undo the button on his jeans. He heard and felt the zipper going down, his breathing shallow and rapid as conscious thought felt scattered to the wind. A deep gasp left him as she reached into his pants to slowly ran her hand along his arousal through his boxers, igniting feelings in him that left his breath shuddering and heaving. She leaned down near his ear and said softly, "Are you okay with this? Do you want me to stop?"  
"Yes---no---I don't know," he whispered, embarrassment creeping up his neck. "Maybe we could pause a little to let you catch your breath?" she said, her own breathing not unaffected, either. He nodded, feeling both relief and sharp disappointment as she withdrew her hand and placed it on his chest instead.   
"This is all really new. It's ok to not be sure about it yet," she said, tracing doodles over his sternum. He slowly uncovered his eyes, looking into hers, as she cuddled back up against him. His arm came around her to pull her close. "Thanks," he said, his voice cracking, as he leaned in to kiss her again. Her hands came around him and her fingers pressed into his back as the fire lept higher in his veins, eliciting a soft groan from him as she pressed her body to his. His hands began to fumble with her shirt again, his movements jerky, yet urgent as he tried to free it from her pants. She reached down to help him, sliding it off her head and depositing it on the floor. Sean froze for a moment, unsure where to place his hands now that her upper body was bare, except for her bra. Rebecca gently guided his arms around her and he held her closely, beginning to relax as he breathed in her sweetness. She wrapped her arms around him as well and he began to slowly caress the small of her back, amazed at how soft her skin was. Her soft sounds of pleasure thrilled his heart and he kissed her even more breathlessly. She slowly took hold of his arm, placing her hand on his, and gently laid it on her breast, removing her hand to caress his waist under the edge of his waistband. His breath caught in his throat--what was he supposed to do now?! But as her touch on his hip cirlced a little lower, it fueled his passion, and he bent to kiss her neck as he gently ran his fingers over her nipple through the fabric of her bra, thrilling at the feel of her body. She moaned softly into his shoulder, fueling his desire even further. He wasn't sure he could handle this much longer--his body felt like a rubber band stretched taut, all the tension and passion pushing him to the edge. Yet, the anxiety dampened the sharpness of it, and he found it difficult to relax fully into the moment. Her touch began to move lower again, under his pants, then under his boxers this time, as she began to explore his length unhampered by the fabric separating them. He gasped and moaned as her motions became more rhythmic, moving faster, until she suddenly brought him crashing past the brink of control, shuddering and moaning loudly into her neck as his hips writhed and bucked under her touch. He clutched her shoulders tightly, spasming in pleasure until he lay, spent, next to her. She withdrew her hand, wiping it briefly on his jeans, then kissed him softly and murmured soft words as his breath heaved and his brain felt fuzzy with love. He pulled her to him, holding her close, not even sure how to articulate how he was feeling. "Sorry for the mess..." he started to say, but she quickly shushed him. "Nothing to be sorry about, love," she asserted, looking deeply into his eyes. He returned her loving gaze, finding no reproach there, and closed his eyes with a relieved sigh. "Do you by chance have a towel or something?" he asked as he opened his eyes, his face reddening. Rebecca nodded and planted a quick kiss on his nose and hopped up, retrieving her shirt from the floor. "I'll be right back," she promised, and Sean nodded. She quietly left the room, shutting the door behind her. Feeling a little exposed, he shrugged back into his shirt and pulled it down over the front of his jeans, not sure how to rectify the situation. In a few moments, Rebecca came back with a hand towel, and giggled as she helped him stuff it into his pants. "There," she smiled, stifling another chuckle. "All fixed!" she pronounced, brushing her hands together as if to finalize the solution. Sean busted out laughing, his embarrassment evaporating as she dissolved into laughter next to him, wiping tears from her eyes. "I love you," she said, smiling broadly, unable to keep a final giggle at bay. "I love you, too, he responded, pulling her close once more and relaxing into her mutual embrace.


	21. Backlash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting the phone aside, he curled back up in bed, wishing he could just disappear. He wasn't sure he could handle these feelings. He felt like he'd really messed everything up, wanting to take things to the next level. Now what was he supposed to do? He wished he could take it all back. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling like everything was a mistake.

Sean's phone vibrated as he lay in bed late the next morning, on a Saturday. He opened it to find a message from Rebecca, but he felt almost powerless to reply. He felt intense dread when he thought about seeing her again, even though his mind he knew she probably wouldn't have anything negative whatsoever to say about the night before. He just felt so exposed and uncertain. Images flashed through his mind...their bare skin, his scars, her touches...and he almost choked as shame burned in his gut. Setting the phone aside, he curled back up in bed, wishing he could just disappear. He wasn't sure he could handle these feelings. He felt like he'd really messed everything up, wanting to take things to the next level. Now what was he supposed to do? He wished he could take it all back. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling like everything was a mistake.  
His phone rang about an hour later. It was Rebecca again. A shiver ran down his spine. He told himself to answer it, but his mind spun in indecision as he held the phone. By the time he'd made up his mind to pick up, the call went to voicemail.  
A little later, he heard a knock at his bedroom door. "Sean?" Dennis called through the closed door. "You awake? It's almost noon." Sean sighed and climbed out of bed. "Yeah," he said, opening the door. His father asked, "You okay there, Bud? Rebecca just called me. She couldn't get ahold of you. Is everything all right?"  
Sean's breath seized in his throat, and he covered his face with his hands. He didn't even know what to say. It was all so embarrassing.  
Dennis came closer and wrapped Sean in a bear hug. "Hey now, it's okay," he soothed. "I don't know what's wrong, but we'll figure it out," he said. "Thanks, Dad," Sean replied, heaving a sigh. "I just feel so... embarrassed... right now."  
Dennis led Sean over to the bed, and they sat down. "Do you want to talk about it?" Sean kept his eyes averted. "I'm not sure how." "Did something happen between you and Rebecca?" Dennis surmised. Sean nodded slowly, then ventured haltingly, "We got...closer...last night, but now I don't...know..." he stopped, clapping a hand over his mouth, too mortified to continue.  
Understanding dawned on his father's face. He said carefully, "Maybe you're stepping out into uncharted territory in your relationship, huh? Things getting more...intimate?" Sean nodded jerkily, looking defeated. "That's a tough place to be in," Dennis sympathized. "Is everything still okay between the two of you? You didn't have a fight, did you?" he wanted to clarify. "No, no fight," Sean replied. "Well, it sounds to me like maybe you feel a little nervous on where to go from here?" his dad said, putting an arm over his son's shoulders. Sean's head bobbed up and down as his gaze remained averted. Dennis continued. "It's really normal for this to feel uncomfortable and awkward in the early stages. I don't know anyone who didn't feel that way at first. That doesn't mean that you did something wrong; it just means you need more practice." He smiled.  
"But...what if...what if she didn’t like it? What if it was bad...I can’t undo it, can’t take it back. What if I’ve ruined our relationship?" Sean groaned and dragged a hand across his face. "It just feels like it was too much of a risk. Too much, too fast."  
"It _is _a big risk," Dennis answered. "I think it’s understandable that you feel this way, but at the same time, I don’t think you made the wrong choice. You know, the best thing you can do is talk this over with Rebecca. Sounds like you need to clear the air between you." Sean sighed deeply and dragged a hand across his face. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's what I'm afraid of."  
"From what I can see, unless she’s had a sudden change of personality, then she's going to continue to be kind and supportive of you, even if things are changing in your relationship," Dennis reminded. Sean looked up. "Yeah, that's true," he said, not entirely convinced. "Sometimes I worry that she’s only with me—" he gulped, "—out of pity." He turned his head away with a grimace.   
Dennis looked surprised. "Pity? No way. Pity couldn’t carry a relationship this far. If she didn’t have true feelings for you, she wouldn’t still be around." Sean considered this as his dad went on. "Just—don't leave her hanging, okay? She's worried about you, and I know you both care deeply for each other." Sean blew out a breath. "Yeah, you're right," he answered, seeing no help for it.   
Suddenly a firm knock at the door downstairs startled them both.   
"What if that's her?" Sean gulped, anxiety flaring in his gut. "I'd consider that a good thing," Dennis replied lightly, standing and heading downstairs with purposeful strides. Sean stood and paced his room, feeling panic starting to overtake him. He heard murmuring voices for a few minutes from downstairs, and he wished he could escape this confrontation somehow.   
Footsteps sounded on the stairs and Sean raked a hand through his hair roughly, huffing out a strained breath.   
"Sean?" Rebecca's uncertain voice called from behind the partially open door. "Can I come in?"  
"Yeah," he answered, facing his window, feeling agitated. Downstairs, he heard the front door slam. "Your dad said to tell you he's going out for awhile, and not to expect him back till later this afternoon," Rebecca said as she entered his room, shutting the door behind her.  
Sean's face paled. "Okay," he answered, half-turned away from her.   
Rebecca crossed the room to him. "What's wrong?" she asked softly, touching his arm lightly. He flinched away, feeling like a complete idiot. "I'm sorry," he said, covering his face with one hand.   
"It’s okay. Come sit with me. Whatever is wrong, we'll work it out." She slowly took his free hand and pulled lightly to bring him towards the bed. He stopped at the edge, hesitant to sit down. "Just a little further," she coaxed, tugging resolutely. Reluctantly, he sat down on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. Silence descended on them.  
"Is this about last night?" Rebecca broke the stillness with a soft query.  
Sean closed his eyes tightly and inwardly cringed. "Uh...yeah," he answered, mentally kicking himself.   
Rebecca wrapped her arms around him. "You don't have to worry about that. It was wonderful," she smiled. Sean could think of a million ways it could have gone better. His posture tense, he remained silent in her embrace.   
"Come here," she said tenderly, her voice gentle and full of compassion. She eased Sean down to lie next to her on the bed, scooting in close to him and enveloping him in a warm embrace. They lay there together, as Sean listened to her even breathing and tried to relax.   
Rebecca pulled his head up onto her chest, her hands gently combing through his hair in a rhythmic motion. He could hear her heartbeat thudding softly beneath his ear.  
Something about her touch had him suddenly sobbing into her neck, his body shaking as he felt overcome by emotion. Rebecca just held him tighter, rubbing his back and whispering loving words in his ear. "It's okay," she soothed. "Just let it all out. I'm here. I love you, so much." His tears slowly subsiding, Sean lay in her embrace, his breath shuddering, as she went back to combing her fingers through his hair. "You’re going to be okay," she murmured softly, her voice resonating in her chest as he listened to her steady heartbeat.  
Sean felt warm and cared for. Part of him loved this feeling, while on the other hand, he felt that it was ridiculous that he needed all this special attention. He sat up suddenly and grabbed a tissue from his nightstand, blew his nose, then lobbed it into the trashcan. It felt awkward to return to Rebecca's embrace, but lay back down nonetheless. The feelings of self-deprication began to recede as Rebecca held him, and his face grew warm as he started to be more aware of her closeness. Memories of the night before started to leap into his mind again, and his face grew warm. He reached a tentative hand to touch the side of her face, and she reflexively looked down at him, her gaze tender and full of love. Face burning and heart pounding, he tipped his head up to capture her lips in a hesitant kiss. He felt like his heart would burst at the touch of her mouth on his, and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her even closer to him. Their kiss grew more and more passionate until he finally drew back, his breath heaving. His eyes searched hers, feeling confused and a little overwhelmed by the feelings coursing through him.  
"I love you, Sean," Rebecca said, her hand coming up to cup the side of his face. "I love you, too," he responded, touching her soft hair, tracing a hand over her features, memorizing every detail. His heart beat with unspoken yearnings and things he wished he could say.  
"Is this okay?" she asked him softly, as she lightly ran a hand through his hair. "Are we okay?"   
"Yes," he replied. "I think so. This morning, I couldn't think straight. I felt like...like I'd made a big mistake, somehow, that I'd done everything wrong, and that it was going to ruin what we have together." His voice caught, and he cleared his throat. "I just... can't lose you, Rebecca. I couldn't bear it." He averted his eyes.   
Rebecca gathered him a little closer. "No way, you didn't ruin anything," she said, "and you didn't make a mistake in wanting us to be closer. I've been wanting it, too. Please don't worry about last night one bit; you're expecting too much of yourself. It's normal for the first time to be a little... awkward," she said with a wry smile. "It will get easier with time. You'll see. I don't regret any of this." She sighed in contentment and kissed his forehead.  
Sean's heart rate accelerated a bit. She wasn't disappointed in him? His heart soared, and he felt excited and a little overwhelmed at the possibilities ahead of them. "Is that true?" he asked, his face reddening. "That it gets easier, I mean?" As soon as the question left his mouth, he felt ridiculous for asking.   
"There's plenty of time to find out," Rebecca answered in a low voice, leaning closer and pressing a warm kiss to his lips. 


	22. Disequilibrium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dennis shifted in his seat, and a serious look passed over his face. He hated to disturb this perfect moment, but he also hoped that Sean’s good spirits would help soften the hard edge of what he had to say next.  
“I have some news you may not want to hear, but it needs to be said,” he began. Sean swallowed hard, his attention suddenly riveted on his father.

Dennis sat with Sean one evening at the dinner table. The evening sunlight slanted through the window, bathing everything in a golden glow. They had finished their evening meal, and were lingering over dessert as a comfortable silence filled the space between them. Just the week before, Sean had finally gotten his driver’s license, and the excitement and pride from that milestone still filled him at odd moments when the thought crossed his mind. He couldn’t quite believe he had finally scaled that seemingly insurmountable hurdle. Smiling broadly, he began chatting animatedly with his dad about his upcoming plans with his friends. Rebecca was having Angela and Jonathan over at her place soon, and Sean was inordinately pleased to be able to drive there himself. His father smiled, pride showing easily in his features as he sipped from his drink and listened. He couldn’t help but interject, “I’m so proud of you, son,” as he placed a hand on Sean’s shoulder. An answering smile spread across Sean’s face as a small bubble of laughter escaped him. “Thanks, Dad.”   
Dennis shifted in his seat, and a serious look passed over his face. He hated to disturb this perfect moment, but he also hoped that Sean’s good spirits would help soften the hard edge of what he had to say next.  
“I have some news you may not want to hear, but it needs to be said,” he began. Sean swallowed hard, his attention suddenly riveted on his father. Dennis looked him in the eye and continued. “There’s some serious talk going on between my boss and I about my position moving to a new location. Several months ago, our company opened a satellite office about 50 miles north of here, and my boss really wants me on that team. I’ve been putting him off as long as I can, but it seems we may need to move forward with this, perhaps very soon.”   
Sean’s mouth went dry as his mind leapt forward, playing out the scenario of what this meant for him.   
“Initially, I’d be simply commuting to the new location, but eventually, we’d need to look for a new place out there. Now, I can only imagine how this must feel for you. I know you and Rebecca really love each other, and I don’t want to come between the two of you one bit,” he said emphatically, his hands in motion as he spoke. “I wanted to talk this over with you and see if we could make this work for both of us. I’m really relieved that you just got your driver’s license, because that way if—or when—we do move, you’ll still be able to go and see her.” Sean nodded, a small island of comfort springing up amidst the ocean of uncertainty that had just flooded his soul.   
“Dad, I...” he began, unsure how to articulate how he felt without sounding petty or childish. “I don’t know if I can do this.” Dennis covered Sean’s hand with his own. “I don’t like having to take you away from everything you know, everything familiar. I especially don’t like having to move us so far away from Rebecca’s family. I like having her around, and she’s so good for you. I want you two to be together, no matter what happens.” Sean nodded, his eyebrows drawn together, trying to make sense of everything in his mind. “How soon would we have to leave?” he gulped. “It could be as soon as a couple months, but it could be longer, depending on how everything works out,” Dennis replied. Sean’s stomach dropped, one hand clenching under the table. “Okay,” he answered in a small voice.   
“My goal is to find a place with a spare bedroom. That way, maybe it could work out to have Rebecca out on weekends, if she wants to come, or maybe you could stay over at her place some weekends. I’ll let the two of you talk it out and maybe you can brainstorm something that will work.” Nodding, Sean sat unmoving until he was sure there wasn’t anything else forthcoming from his dad on the matter. “Do you mind if I go call Rebecca now?” he asked. “Sure, go ahead,” Dennis answered, knowing Sean would need to talk this out to make some sense of it. “Hey, I’m sorry about this. I know it’s not ideal for you.” Sean’s face fell, one hand clenched at his side. A quiet sigh escaped him as he answered, “It’s okay, Dad,” then scooted upstairs to his bedroom to talk in private.

Shutting his door, he quickly dialed Rebecca’s number, waiting anxiously for her to pick up. He winced at the bomb he was about to drop on her, his gut clenching in dread.   
“Hi, Sean,” her warm, familiar voice came through, and his shoulders relaxed slightly as he responded. “Hey there, Rebecca.” He made small talk for awhile, but finally blurted out what was on his mind. “I might be moving away in a few months.”   
Silence met him momentarily from Rebecca’s end, but she recovered enough to respond, “What?” in a tone laced with heavy disbelief. Guilt struck him forcibly as he scrambled to reassure her. “Dad says it’s about 50 miles away from here, and that he wants to find a place with a spare bedroom, so you could come stay over on weekends if you want to. Now that I can drive, I could also come to you, too. He says he doesn’t want this to come between us.” He finished in a rush, anxiety twisting in his gut.  
“Wow. This is...really unexpected,” she said, still somewhat bewildered. “I’m glad to hear that we can still be together. For a minute there, I was thinking the worst.”  
“Yeah. I know what you mean,” Sean grimaced. “I hope you know I’m going to do everything I can to be able to still see you regularly,” he went on. “I can’t lose you, Rebecca. It would kill me inside.”  
“Me too,” she answered, sounding a little choked up. “But you know I’d never let you go that easily,” she said, chuckling and sniffing. “I would haunt your dreams.” Sean laughed at her attempt to lighten the mood. “That could be a good thing,” he smiled. Rebecca laughed in earnest. “Ah, I see what you did there,” she chuckled, then asked abruptly, “Can I see you tomorrow?”   
“Sure, of course,” Sean answered quickly. “Just say when.”

The next afternoon, Rebecca made a beeline to Sean’s house, and they held each other tightly. Rebecca released him with a deep sigh. “I’m glad you’re here,” he told her. “Me too,” she responded. Lacing his fingers in hers, he led her over to the couch and sat down. She made to sit next to him, then at the last moment, sat on his lap with a giggle. He held her tight and kissed her long and slow, relishing this moment, trying not to think too hard about the future.

**************************************

The following week, Dennis broke the news to Sean that he had accepted the new position at the satellite office, and would be beginning the commute on Monday. Empty boxes started appearing in the garage, and Dennis began sorting and packing storage items bit by bit.   
Sean tried to go about life as normal, but inside, he knew this would change everything. Part of him wanted to stay firmly in denial, shutting out this uncertainty swirling in his gut, but he also knew he didn’t have the luxury of remaining there. Plans needed to be made, but anxiety left him feeling as if he were about to be submerged by a relentless tide, drawing closer every day.

A few evenings later, the forecast was predicting high winds and heavy rain as the sky began to darken prematurely. Sean made sure he had a full charge on his cellphone, and lined up a couple of spare flashlights, checking the batteries in each. He unplugged the non-essential electronics from the wall in case of a power surge. Dennis went outside to pull the car into the garage, bringing the garbage bin from the curbside as well.  
Sean headed upstairs to his room. This upcoming move filled him with uneasiness already, and the coming storm compounded that feeling. Sitting at his desk, he lit a small candle there, one Rebecca had given him. He inhaled the vanilla cookie scent he knew she loved, feeling slightly comforted by the steady, warm glow of the flame. Staring at it for a few long moments, he suddenly felt a shiver of anxiety about her safety. Hitting the speed dial for her number, he waited impatiently, the fingers of his free hand drumming a steady beat as he waited for her to pick up. It seemed like it was about to go to voicemail when she breathlessly answered, “Hi Sean!”   
He responded warmly, silently letting out the breath he had been holding. “I hope I didn’t disturb you...?” he trailed off, wondering what she had been up to. “Oh not a bit!” she answered with a smile in her voice. “I was just running to grab my phone before I missed you! I must have left it in the back room when I’d been rummaging around in there for some yarn.”  
“Oh yeah?” he smiled into the phone. “Do you have a craft project going?” he asked in a playful tone. Rebecca giggled. “Yes, but you have to promise not to laugh, or I won’t tell you what it is.” Sean chuckled. “Cross my heart!” he promised, making the motion with one hand.   
“Okay, if you say so. I’m crocheting a sweater for Rascal. I saw something online and it looked so cute, I just had to. I’m pretty sure he’s going to hate me forever.” Sean laughed despite his promise, then apologized. “Sorry, sorry! I just couldn’t help it. I think it sounds great, but the mental image of Rascal and the look on his face...” he dissolved helplessly into further laughter.   
“It is pretty hilarious. I’ll be sure to send you a picture of him wearing it. I’m sure it will be memorable.”   
Sean tried to swallow the rest of his laughter, but was only marginally successful. “I’m sure it’s going to look great,” he chuckled. “And Rascal will just have to deal with it.”  
“Exactly!” she said with enthusiasm. “See? You get it.”   
“I look forward to seeing how it turns out.”   
“So how are you doing? Has the storm hit your place yet?”   
“Yeah, it’s pretty crazy. The wind is really kicking up, and the lights have been flickering a bit. Do you still have power over there?” Sean wondered.  
“Yeah,” she answered, “But Angela said their whole block is out. Hopefully the lines can get repaired soon for them. Storms can be exciting, but I don’t like extended power outages.”  
“Yeah, neither do I,” Sean agreed. He paused for a moment, wishing he could say what was on his mind, but feeling foolish. He pressed on anyway. “You know, about this move? I know I keep bringing it up, and I’m sorry, but... I’ve just been feeling so...” he paused and grimaced in disgust. “I hate feeling like such a baby about this stuff. Ugh, it’s so frustrating! But I just can’t seem to feel okay about it. Sometimes it feels like my whole world is ending, and I don’t know what to do about it. I still feel somewhere, deep down, like I’m losing you...and my friends, too...and I just can’t handle it.” He squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand through his hair distractedly.  
“I’m sorry, love,” Rebecca answered softly. “You won’t be losing me, I can guarantee that. I’ll bet this is really hard for you, though. Haven’t you been in the same house since you were little?” Rebecca asked.  
“Yeah,” he swallowed, the thought causing an uncomfortable ache in his chest. “I might have to get rid of some of my stuff if we have to downsize. I wish I could just take this all in stride, but I just feel like a fish out of water. And...I know it’s completely unreasonable, but I get so angry that I’ve made this progress in healing, but now the rug is being pulled out from under me. Why does this have to happen now?” The pressure inside continued to build as he vented his feelings. “Here I’ve got all these little things I’ve accomplished, and it’s like they’re all being taken away. And I just can’t..._can’t_ go back to the way it was. I can’t go back to that dark place. Those memories...I just want to push it all away and be normal. Is that so much to ask?” Shame and sadness rose simultaneously at the words coming out of his mouth, and he fell silent.  
“I hear you,” Rebecca answered softly. “I can just imagine how it would feel for me if I had to leave all the things I found comforting and familiar for a place I didn’t know, when things were just starting to feel safe again.”  
“At least you don’t have all my stupid fears to deal with,” he said bitterly, regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth. He covered his face with his free hand, sighing into the phone. Rebecca’s voice firmed as she countered, “They’re _not_ stupid. I also haven’t ever been kidnapped and mutilated with a knife, either. How long has it been since that happened?” she asked.  
Sean felt shocked by the bluntness of her statement, but he couldn't deny the truth of it. “It’s been about nine months now. It feels like it just happened, yet also feels like it was in another lifetime.” He paused, a bittersweet heaviness in his heart. Outside, fat drops of rain began to pelt his window, but he continued, unheeding. “I get so fed up with everyone needing to tiptoe around me. Sometimes I just want to be tough, put my heart in a jar, and lock up these feelings of vulnerability and brokenness. I’m tired of hurting. I just want to be done.” He hung his head.  
“What you went through...it must have been awful. I wish there were a way to undo what was done to you. But you’re here, you survived, and you’ll make it out the other side. Maybe you’ll never be exactly the same person you were, but you’ll feel stronger in time. I’ll bet if you look back in your mind on how things were early on, you’ll be able to see how far you’ve come.”  
“But what if...what if this move sets me back. Way back? What if I have to...start over?” He asked, his voice cracking.  
“If that happens, just know that I’ll be right here with you no matter what. I love you, Sean, and even on your darkest days, I still want to be with you.”   
“Sometimes I feel like you’d be better off with someone else,” Sean said, choking on his quiet confession.  
“But I don’t want someone else; I want you.” Her voice was filled with confidence and pride.  
He wanted to argue with her, to tell her she was wrong— that she was too biased to see clearly. A sigh of exasperation left him as he struggled to acknowledge her words.  
“And I love you,” Rebecca added, her voice softening. “I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but I do, and I don’t have any intentions of stopping.”  
Sean blew out a breath. He lowered his head and said quietly, “Okay. You win.”   
“I hope you mean that,” she answered gently, with a smile. “I hope you know you are always loved and wanted.” Tears formed in Sean’s eyes, and he wiped them away with a thumb. “Thanks, Rebecca. I love you, too.”  
A particularly strong gust of wind hurled rain and hail against the window outside, and it abruptly brought Sean’s awareness back to his surroundings. “Wow, this storm is really kicking up. I wish you were here,” he said, feeling worried and wanting to hold her close. “Me too,” she agreed. “It’s always fun to watch a storm together. I guess I’ll have to be content with my parents and Danny for now.” She sighed dramatically. “Poor kid is bored out of his mind. He shut his computer down in case of a lightning strike, so now I guess I’ll have to keep him out of trouble.” Sean chuckled lightly, imagining her rolling her eyes in mock exasperation. Rebecca giggled, “I’m thinking about teaching him to crochet. I just know he’d love it.” Her unabashed laughter came through clearly. Sean couldn’t help but join in, remarking, “You just need to have him help you finish that sweater for Rascal! That way the poor kitty can stay nice and warm on this stormy night.”   
Rebecca laughed loudly, snorting at the idea of both her brother helping and her cat even wearing the sweater at all. “Oh that would be so much fun, but I’m afraid it might not work out as well as we hope.” “You just need to have a little more faith,” Sean smiled, mirth infusing his words.   
“I love you,” Rebecca said simply, and Sean could hear the sincerity of her words. “I love you, too,” he echoed back to her, putting as much feeling into it as he could. “Let’s get together tomorrow, huh? My place or yours— I don’t care which.”   
“I’m all for that,” she responded, warmth and certainty echoing solidly.


	23. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has an emotional breakdown with some flashbacks and panic. Just be aware in case this might be a trigger for you.

The evening before moving day, Rebecca joined Sean and Dennis for a quiet take-out dinner at home, which they were currently lingering over as conversation flowed. Sean had felt jittery the whole meal, and he hoped neither she nor his father could see how tense he was. He wrestled with his thoughts, unable to put them to rest, utterly distracted until he realized the conversation around him had suddenly come to a stop. He looked up, seeing his dad looking at him expectantly. "I’m sorry, what?" he asked.  
Dennis began to repeat the question, but instead amended, "Are you all right, Son? Your mind seems elsewhere."  
Sean struggled to put his thoughts into words, his mouth opening and closing. "It’s this move," he started, then stalled out. His dad asked, "What about it?" Sean hesitated, then finally he blurted, "I can’t help but feeling as if we’re making a big mistake—this feels all wrong. We can’t just leave all this behind." _That sure didn’t come out right,_ he thought with a wince.  
"What? What do you mean?" his dad looked at him with his brows furrowed.  
Sean stood from the table in a rush and splayed his hands in front of him. "I just don’t feel comfortable with it, okay? I know it's totally crazy to feel this way, but I can't help myself." his jaw clenched in frustration.  
"What are you saying? We’ve been talking about this for a few months now. You’re just getting cold feet. Don’t worry, it’ll work out fine," Dennis remarked, rising to face his son and patting him on the shoulder.   
Sean didn't feel reassured at all. "Dad, I— is there any other alternative to going through with all this? Please tell me there is another option," he pleaded, feeling irrationally desperate as sweat broke out on his forehead. Rebecca rose to stand beside Dennis, beginning to look concerned. "Sean," she began softly, then subsided.  
"The movers are coming tomorrow morning, Sean—we can’t back out now," his dad interjected, sounding tired and irritated. "The house is already sold! What do you expect me to do?"  
"I don’t know! I just—I can’t do this, it’s too much! I can’t handle it!" Sean’s voice rose as he strove to be understood. Rebecca stretched a hand out to touch his arm, but he stepped back, hands clenched to stop them from shaking. Her hand fell to her side, concern plainly written on her face.  
"Hey, I know this is hard for you. But we’ve got to move forward with this. You’re going to be okay!" Dennis said forcefully, trying to convince and appease simultaneously.   
Barely-contained emotion quivered underneath the taught muscles of Sean's shoulders and jaw. Rebecca stepped towards him again, but he didn’t want to be placated. Eyes burning, his voice cracked as it rose in anguish and frustration. "_No!_ I’m _NOT_ okay! _NONE_ of this is okay! I didn’t ask for _ANY_ of this!!" he exploded. He turned and fled the room, but not before he caught a glimpse of the shock frozen on the faces of his father and girlfriend.   
He snatched his jacket from the hook and ran out of the house, slamming the door behind him. But he couldn’t outrun the guilt and shame peaking to a crescendo, and the wave of emotion crashed down as the tears finally broke free and coursed down his face. Grabbing his bike from the garage with a jerk, he hopped on and sped down the street, wishing the coming darkness would swallow him whole. Stifling his sobs with one arm, he coasted down the hill away from his childhood home. Whispers of old memories rose up in his mind, and he felt powerless to keep them away.  
_The knife. _  
_ The darkness. _  
_ The pain._  
Hardly even seeing where he went, he sped down a quiet side road and pedaled furiously, finally stopping when he saw an empty field between two lots. He tossed his bike to the side and sought shelter under the low branches of an evergreen tree near the roadside. Flashbacks of his abduction began to assault his mind in earnest, leaving him shaking, his head on his knees. 

*********************  
  
Rebecca stood rooted to the spot momentarily as the front door slammed, rattling the front window in its pane. She had a sinking feeling this had been a long time coming, and she had missed the signs. She’d thought Sean was coping well. Suddenly her mind snapped to the present, and she dashed out the front door, Dennis on her heels. They both saw Sean hop on his bike and start down the street in the semi-darkness. Rebecca panicked for a second, then called in a rush as she ran to the garage, "Can I borrow your bike?" Dennis called out in agreement, as he headed to the car. Rebecca admonished quickly, "Why don’t you start it, but wait here? I might be able to talk him down, but I’ll call you if I need you!" she shouted the last of her words as she'd already jumped on the bike and shot down the street after Sean. Dennis stood staring after her, open-mouthed, then considered what she had said. He watched her until he couldn’t see her anymore, cell phone in hand, praying she would find his son. As the minutes ticked by, he started to put the vehicle in gear a half-dozen times, but stopped in indecision. _Maybe Rebecca will have better luck if I stay out of it. She always seems to know how to help when he’s upset, _he thought, feeling confused and guilty for his part in the argument.   
Ten minutes later, he was beginning to rethink driving after them. His mind scrambled for ideas, wondering if the cell phone company could track Sean’s whereabouts. Anxiety mounted higher and higher as time seemed to slow to a crawl.   
Fifteen minutes later, Dennis was buckling up while backing down the driveway when Rebecca texted him three short words— _I found him. _In relief he sagged against the seat, head in his hands, blowing out the breath he’d been holding. 

*********************

Rebecca pedaled for all she was worth towards the receding form of her boyfriend in the distance. Breathing fast, her heart beating, she squinted to keep his dim shape in her line of sight, barely catching him turning down a side street, briefly illuminated in the circle of light from a street lamp. She was grateful that the neighborhood was quiet this time of night, the few cars on the road giving her a wide berth as she raced past parked vehicles. Rounding the corner, she caught sight again of Sean up ahead and felt intense relief. Pedaling as fast as a she could, she kept pace with him, but was unable to overtake him until at last, he pulled off to an abrupt stop up ahead. She saw him practically fall off of his bike in his hurry to get off, and then he disappeared into a field. _Hurry, hurry,_ her mind pulsed with each breath, closing the distance and hopping off her borrowed bike in a rush.  
It was already almost completely dark, and Rebecca’s head swiveled left and right, searching for some sign of Sean. She started forward, calling his name. In a few moments she stopped abruptly, straining to listen, certain she’d heard something. The sound of stifled sobs drifted towards her, and she surged forward towards the noise. _”Sean!!”_ she cried out in mingled relief and worry as she spotted him, huddled beneath a tree. She sprinted towards him, quickly pulling her cell phone from her pocket and dictating a hurried text to Dennis: _I found him._ Falling to her knees next to Sean in a rush of breath, she brushed her hair out of her face and softly called his name. He didn’t move or acknowledge her presence, and her breath hitched in her chest. She tried reaching out to touch his shoulder, calling his name a little louder.  
Sean gasped loudly as he shot backwards away from her like a singed cat, one shaking arm flung outward to keep her at bay. Rebecca paled at his reaction, then softly, gently, called out to him. "Sean, it’s me, Rebecca. Please, love, I’m here to help. Nothing’s going to hurt you." Her breath quivered in her throat.  
His breathing stopped altogether for a few beats, and then he slowly raised his head and opened his eyes. "Rebecca?" he gasped in disbelief. "What are you doing here?" She could hear how much his voice shook. She slowly began to creep towards him, and said softly, gently, "I followed you here, love. I just want to help you." She eased up next to his side as he blinked and looked up at her. His eyes were wide and slightly unfocused as he panted, searching her face. She slowly brought one hand up to touch his cheek, making sure he could see it coming. He still flinched when she made contact, and she winced at the way he gasped, face twisting in remorse.   
"You must hate me now," he said with a shudder, seeming to come back to himself. He turned his face away from Rebecca, but she didn't remove her hand. She scooted even closer to him and drew him towards her. "No way," she said, wrapping both arms around his shoulders and pressing him close. "I'm just so glad I found you." He turned and pressed his face into her shoulder, and broke down sobbing. Rebecca held him close, rocking back and forth slightly, murmuring words of comfort, one hand making slow circles on his back. Her own tears made silent tracks down her cheeks, but she didn't wipe them away. She felt deeply disturbed by what had happened, but knew she would need to wait to ask questions until later. Right now Sean needed her.   
Some time later, as he slowly subsided on her shoulder, Rebecca told him, "I've never hated you for one moment. I love you, Sean. I'll always love you, no matter what happens." He remained silent, shuddering sighs into her shoulder, spent of tears but still shaking slightly. "How about you come spend the night with me tonight? Put moving out of your mind for now. Just be with me, as long as you like. What do you think?" Sean didn't answer, but he nodded mutely against her shoulder. She released a breath in relief. "I'm going to need your dad to pick us up and drive us over, okay?"   
Sean's head snapped up. "Oh no. _Dad."_ His face paled.  
Rebecca smoothed his hair away from his face. "What's wrong?" she asked gently.   
"He's going to be so mad." his voice shook.   
"No, I can promise you, he won't be," Rebecca reassured resolutely. "He'll just be glad you're okay." Sean lowered his head back to her shoulder, sighing deeply. He made no attempt to respond.   
Rebecca pulled her phone out with one hand, and reached both arms behind Sean's back so she could text Dennis while still keeping Sean in her embrace. She glanced up at a street sign by the road, squinting to make out the name, and asked Dennis to pick them up, telling him Sean would be spending the night with her. She asked if he could bring a change of clothes, and asked him not to say too much to Sean when he arrived--she felt he wasn't ready to face conversation just yet.   
A reply appeared little more than a minute later: _I'm on my way._ Rebecca sighed in relief and put her phone away, holding Sean a little tighter. He sagged against her, keeping his face hidden. "Love, I need to stand up with you, so your Dad will be able to see us," she gently murmured near his ear. He sighed and sat up, keeping his eyes averted, and shakily stood to his feet with her support. She put one arm around his waist and draped his arm across her shoulders, determined to support him as much as she could. Together they walked slowly back towards the roadside, at the same time as headlights appeared heading quickly towards them on the road. Dennis rolled up in his vehicle and came to a fast stop, hopping out of the door and leaving it ajar in his haste. "Is he all right?" he asked Rebecca breathlessly. "I think so, for the most part," she answered quietly, sending a look of compassion towards Sean's father. He looked distraught, his hair wild and his clothes disheveled. He reached for Sean's arm, gently giving it a squeeze. "I'm so glad we found you, Son. I thought I'd lost you for a bit there." Sean met his gaze with an agonizing look on his face, then ducked his head and mumbled an apology.  
Rebecca ushered him into the backseat and helped him buckle in, sitting as close to his side as she could and keeping an arm around him. She heard Dennis loading the bikes up in the back one by one, and then he got back into the driver's seat and turned the car around, heading for Rebecca's house. Rebecca again pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to her mom, asking if they could give Sean and her some privacy and quiet when they arrived.   
She put her phone away and tugged Sean closer to her as Dennis navigated what little traffic was on the road. His eyes kept seeking out Sean's in the rearview mirror, but his son kept his gaze averted. As they waited at a stop light, Rebecca met Dennis's searching gaze next, sending him an understanding look. _I'll call you,_ she mouthed silently, and Dennis nodded minutely.   
Arriving at the Summers' residence, Dennis hopped out and opened the back door for them. Sean seemed reluctant to move from Rebecca's side, so she whispered, "It's all right, I'll be right here with you the whole time." He shuddered and climbed out from the vehicle, again avoiding his dad's scrutiny by keeping his head down. But Dennis pulled Sean into a crushing hug, whispering to him, "I love you so much, I hope you know that, Son." Sean choked on a breath, his face twisted in dismay. Rebecca stood from the car and put a hand on Sean's back. Dennis released Sean and said in a rough voice, "Call me when you feel up to it, Bud," then gave Rebecca a meaningful glance and got back in the car. Rebecca nodded once and put her arm around Sean again, drawing him towards the front door. Finding it unlocked, she stepped inside with him still leaning on her slightly. She breathed a silent sigh of relief when she saw that none of her family were around, and she shut the front door behind them and led Sean towards her room, passing her brother's closed door in the hallway. Shutting her door behind them, she propelled him gently towards her bed. "Wait," he squeaked softly, and she stopped, looking up at him expectantly. He shrank back a bit, but still said in a whisper, "The bathroom, please." Rebecca nodded in understanding and strode down the hall with him, disengaging her arms from him at the bathroom doorway.   
Sean's face looked momentarily panicked. "Don't go anywhere?" he pleaded in a low voice. "Don't worry, I'll be right here, I promise," she soothed, and he nodded in relief as she shut the door.   
She waited in the hallway until she heard the door open again, and put a steadying arm back around Sean's waist as they headed back into her bedroom. She eased him down onto the bed, pulling his shoes off for him, and took his face in her hands. "Are you hungry at all? Thirsty?" she searched his face. When he shook his head, she nodded and curled into his side as he laid down. Pulling the blankets up over them, she put both arms around him and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "You're welcome to stay as long as you want, love," she whispered. "You don't have to go anywhere, do anything you're not ready for yet." Sean's body shivered slightly as he released a deep sigh, and his eyes drifted closed. She gently carded her fingers through his hair, over and over, for long moments as the shivering subsided and she could hear his breathing get slower and deeper. Once she was absolutely positive he was sleeping deeply, she rolled slightly away and spent quite awhile texting Dennis back and forth, answering his questions and making plans to have Sean meet up at the new place when he was ready for it. She told Dennis she would take good care of him, and that she hoped Dennis would be all right after all that had happened. Dennis assured her he would, and wished her a good night, after thanking her multiple times.  
Rebecca gave an involuntary sigh of relief knowing everything pressing was handled. A huge yawn overtook her and she stretched languidly, careful not to disturb Sean as he slept. She debated whether to leave him for a few moments, deciding to leave her door ajar in case he woke. She rose and took her own shoes off, leaving them next to Sean's, and replaced them with her favorite slippers before padding down the hall to the restroom. Then she stepped quietly out into the living room, still not seeing anyone about, not even the family dog. _Wow, they really took what I said to heart,_ she thought. Ascending the stairs softly, she knocked quietly on her parents' door, unsure whether they were even home. Her mother opened the door quickly, questions obviously written on her face, but remaining silent as Rebecca fell into her embrace with a soul-weary sigh. Her father came up next to them and put his arms around both of them.   
Rebecca led them both downstairs as she desperately needed something to drink, and a snack, and they both listened as she spoke to them in a hushed voice about the evening's events. Both Bonnie and Robert agreed that Sean could stay as long as he wanted to, and Rebecca felt grateful for that. Rebecca asked about Danny's whereabouts, and they told her that her brother was having an impromptu sleepover with a friend. "This sounded serious, so we thought it would be for the best," Robert said quietly. "Thanks, Dad," Rebecca murmured as she munched on some crackers.   
She excused herself not long after, saying she should get back to her room. Both of her parents wrapped her in a bear hug and wished her a good night. With a small smile, she slipped down the hall and back into her room, closing the door softly behind her. Sean still slumbered on, a frown creasing his features as he slept. Rebecca changed into pajamas and crawled in next to him, careful not to disturb him as she got comfortable for the night. 


	24. Surfacing

_Sean was drifting in the ocean. A vicious undertow threatened to submerge him, and he could barely keep his head above water. He thrashed and kicked, spitting water as his head went under again and again. Thunder crashed overhead, and the rain drenched his face every time he was able to come up for air. It was dark as night, yet a sudden light blinded him as lightning lit up the sky from underwater. Abruptly, the flash of the lightning on the water became the glint of light on the blade of a knife. Sean knew he wasn't supposed to make a sound, but he couldn't stop the whimper that escaped._  
  
The shaking was taking over his whole body when he sat bolt upright in bed, gasping in the semi-darkness. With both hands he frantically explored his midsection, relieved in the extreme to find everything in one piece. Wiping the sweat away from his face, he closed his eyes and tried to slow the headlong rush of his heart rate.  
"Sean?" a sleepy voice snapped his attention to its source. "Rebecca?" He felt bewildered for a few long moments. Why was Rebecca in his bed? "What...how...?" he started to ask, and then his memory of the night before clicked into place, and he realized where he was. His eyes grew wide and his hand flew over his mouth. "Are you all right?" Rebecca asked, sitting up on one arm. "You look like you've seen a ghost." She reached over and put a hand on his shoulder. "Uh..." he stammered. "Bad dream. And I, um...just remembered why I'm here."  
Her hand came up to cup the side of his face. "Hey. It's okay. We’re just going to relax and hang out, and you can just take a breather." He closed his eyes and shuddered. "Okay."  
"Do you think you'll want to sleep more? Or do you want to get up?" she asked, covering a small yawn. "What time is it?" he wondered. Rebecca squinted at the clock on the opposite wall. "Looks like maybe four-thirty-something," she replied. Sean groaned. "I don't think I'll sleep any more, but if you want to..." his voice trailed off, feeling guilty for waking her up. She gave him a half-smile. "I'm okay, I just need some caffeine. Let me visit the little girl's room, and I'll be right with you." Sean nodded. He felt uncomfortable having slept in his clothes, and wished he had something clean to change into. He said as much to Rebecca when she came back in the room. "Oh, but you do have clean clothes, let me get them for you," she responded, reaching for a plastic bag on the floor. "Your dad grabbed some stuff for you before he picked us up." Sean winced. "My dad... he'll be moving to the new place this morning. I should be helping him." He hung his head. Rebecca drew him close. "You know what? He has movers coming to help him. It's okay for you to just be here. Your mental wellbeing matters, too." Sean sighed. "But what if he can't forgive me for the things I said? It's not his fault I'm such a mess...that I can't just be what he needs me to be, and buck up and make this move work."  
"It's not your fault, either, love. You're doing your best, and I know you've tried so hard to be okay with this. But it's all right that you're not right now. Let's just see how it goes for you. I don't have anything planned for this weekend, so we can have it all to ourselves. Okay?"  
"But...shouldn't I...you know, talk to him?" Sean asked, his body tense in her arms. She brushed his hair back from his face and said, "It's too early to worry about that, anyway. He probably won’t be awake for a few more hours. Why don't you go ahead and take a shower? Make it as long and as hot as you want. I'll be in the kitchen when you're done." She leaned up to kiss him on the nose. He held her a little tighter. "I'd kiss you back, but I need to brush my teeth first," he said with a sheepish smile. "You can use my toothbrush if you want," she offered. "It's the purple one." "Thanks," he answered, squeezing her one more time, and grabbed the bag of clothes before quietly exiting the room. Rebecca sighed and stretched her arms up over her head, then put on her slippers and padded silently into the kitchen. She put on some soft music that wouldn't wake her parents, and turned on the tea kettle. When Sean stepped into the kitchen, he found her reading a book and sipping a cup of tea. She looked up and smiled. "Want some tea, or coffee? Are you hungry?" she stood and gave him a hug. He leaned in and kissed her slowly, and wrapped his arms around her. "Mmm... this is what I need right now," he said. Their kiss deepened, and he hungrily drew her even closer, an undercurrent of desperation in his movements. After several long moments she broke away slightly, looking him in the eyes. She could see the dark circles and the slightly haunted look he wore. "Are you okay?" she asked softly. Tapping him on the chest, she added, "I mean, in here, are you really okay?" He glanced away and made a face, a muscle working in his jaw. "No, not exactly," he answered. She drew him over to the couch, and curled up next to him as they sat down. A small _miaow_ preceded the soft thump of her cat, Rascal, jumping up onto the back of the couch. "Well, hello there, your Majesty," she chuckled, reaching up to scratch under his chin. Rascal purred and leaned into the touch, his tail swishing from side to side. "He's not wearing his little sweater, huh?" Sean asked with a strained smile. "Nope, once was all he was willing to tolerate. Now he just runs the other way when I get it out. I don't have the heart to put it back on him." she laughed, then turned serious. "So...talk to me, love. Tell me what you're thinking." He pulled her close so he could avoid her searching gaze, and sighed. "I don't even know what to say right now. Other than I'm a mess." "Can you tell me more about what happened last night?" she softly questioned, stroking his back with one hand. He stiffened slightly and drew away. "I just...had a breakdown, I guess," he responded uneasily. "I know, love." she answered gently. "Have you been getting enough sleep? Have you even been eating much? I think you've lost some weight in the past couple of weeks. I noticed, but I didn't say anything, thinking it was just the stress of the upcoming move. But I have a feeling it was more than that." Sean could tell she was trying to get him to open up, and he sighed. "I've spent the past couple of months trying to either pretend this move wasn't happening, or just forcing myself to get on with it. If I just pushed the feelings down hard enough, I could get the packing and sorting done. It was sort of working, until this past few weeks I just couldn't seem to fake it anymore. I kept trying, knowing my dad needed to do this, that it's important for his job, and that it's his house, and I'm just along for the ride, but..." he sighed and reached up to rub the side of his jaw. "I just...last night... something broke inside. I don't know if it can be fixed." he hesitated, and then added softly while looking away, "I was having flashbacks last night. I haven't had a full-on panic attack for awhile now, but last night... I'm not even sure how I got to where I was when you found me. It's a little scary not even remembering where I was." Rebecca nodded solemnly, reaching up to caress the side of his face. His distracted look zeroed in on her gaze, and he reached for her, capturing her lips with his. He sighed deeply as the drew apart. "I guess...I'm getting kind of hungry after all. And you know, some coffee would be awesome." She nodded. "I'll turn on the coffee pot. Why don't you see what looks good in the fridge? I know we've got plenty of eggs and some bacon, or we have cereal and oatmeal if you want something lighter."

***************

The sun was just beginning to peek out over the horizon when they sat down to breakfast. Everything was quiet all around, and Sean started to feel himself relax as he and Rebecca ate quietly. They were just finishing up when Rebecca’s mom came down the stairs, their golden retriever bouncing ahead of her excitedly. "Come on now, Tanner, I’ll let you out," Bonnie admonished. She opened the sliding glass door in the living room, and Tanner shot out into the fenced backyard. Turning, she gave Rebecca and Sean each a smile. "Good morning, you two." They both echoed her greeting. "There’s still some coffee in the pot if you want some, Mom, and we made some extra of the bacon and eggs if you’re hungry. I figured you or Dad might be hungry when you got up." "Thank you, dear," Bonnie responded, moving to pour a mug for herself. Sean stood from his place and cleared his dishes away, putting them in the sink. "I hope we didn’t wake you," he said with a worried look. Bonnie sat her mug down and patted him on the arm. "Not at all. I’m a bit of an early riser, these days, though Robert won’t be down yet for awhile. I hope you’re doing all right?" she left her hand on his arm while looking into his eyes. Sean felt uncomfortable and glanced away, uncertain how to respond. Bonnie tutted and pulled him into a hug. "I'm so sorry to hear you've been having a hard time of it," she sympathized. A wall of longing and loss unexpectedly took his breath away. Though he didn’t remember his own mother, he still keenly felt the empty space in his heart where she belonged. He found himself abruptly sobbing into Bonnie’s shoulder as she held him close, making comforting noises and patting him on the back. Sean jerked away in embarrassment after a moment. "Sorry, Mrs. Summers, I didn’t mean to fall apart on you," he apologized, stepping back and grabbing a napkin to blow his nose. Shrugging, he attempted to lighten the moment. "I’m just a mess right now, what can I say?" Bonnie gave his upper arm a squeeze and flashed a sympathetic look. "You don’t have to apologize, dear," she told him kindly. Rebecca added from her place at the table, "You know the saying, 'Mi casa es su casa?' Well, I guess my mom is your mom now, too." She gave him a wink. Sean chuckled, feeling glad to be included in their family. Bonnie moved to help herself to some breakfast, chatting with Rebecca about her upcoming plans the following week.


End file.
